It's Never Too Late for Fruitcake

My ten year old daughter, E, saw her first schizophrenic at the Earth Fare grocery store. Earth Fare is a regional chain of grocery stores offering organic and/or locally grown produce and meats, bulk whole grains and dried beans, vitamins, and other products that are so good for you and the environment that you can’t afford them. They also have a small hot food bar and sandwich counter as well as a seating area where you can dine on food both healthy and bland; it'll make you dream of a Doritos and Miracle Whip sandwich on white bread.

E and I were there to help my friend JR install her art in the small café area, as she had been asked to display her sculptures to enrich the diners’ experience. Well, we didn’t actually help her hang the art work. We entertained Lil JR, JR’s almost two year old toddler, who is surprisingly easy to keep busy as long as she can’t see her mother.

So E and I led Lil JR all around the store, trying to teach her new words and get her to find all the Elmos on the packages of kid-friendly health food. We succeeded in keeping her hands out of the cashew bins, and she only fell once before we decided to grab a pack of cold soy chicken nuggets and brown rice for her from the hot bar and head back to a table for lunch.

JR was busy hanging one of her pieces near a booth where a lone man sat with his laptop on the table. He was talking to her, but I couldn’t hear what he said from where I sat. But it didn’t matter, because I knew he was a nutbag without even speaking to him.

He looked young, about twenty to thirty-five, and he was thin. He had a full beard and wore a dingy knit cap. (Why do schizos always wear hats? To keep the voices from escaping?) At first glance, he looked like a typical granola tree hugger type. Until I saw his eyes, and that’s how I knew. He had that wild look about him.

JR came over to our table and snagged one of Lil JR’s soy chicken nuggets. She then reached across the table to grab another nail and her hammer.

“Schizo?” I asked her.

“Oh yeah. He’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

JR went over to another wall and hung more of her work. E leaned over to me, keeping one eye on the loony tune, and said quietly, “What’s a schizo?”

“A schizophrenic,” I said. “He has a serious mental illness. He probably thinks we are all out to get him, and he hears voices. And he needs medication, which from the looks of him he isn’t taking.”

“How can you tell?” E asked.

“Hmmm, well, how to explain? He looks like he’s set up a lot of stuff over there at his table, see?” E looked at the piles of papers next to his two frozen burritos which he had covered in massive amounts of free hot sauce. “See how he has food that he’s not eating? And how he is talking to JR, or to no one? And how he keeps getting up and walking around and then sitting back down? That’s kind of what schizophrenics do.”

“Why is he here?” E asked. “Shouldn’t he be in a mental hospital somewhere? Should we call the police?”

“Nah,” I said. “He’s probably pretty safe, from a distance. He’s here because Earth Fare has free Wi-Fi and as long as he doesn’t bother anyone, they won’t kick him out.”

JR came back over to us for a bite of my sandwich. “We’re just talking about the whacko over there,” I told her.

“That cuckoo clock? What about him?”

“Well, E has never seen one before. So naturally, she has a lot of questions.”

“Here, maybe this will help,” JR said, handing me a piece of paper. It was a full sheet of random words and incomplete sentences. The only thing they had in common was they were put there by a crazy dude. Some words were larger than others, some were in bold type. Certain other words stood out on their own, worlds like globalcide, and CIA/NSA , and Resident Evil Extinction. It that wasn’t bizarre enough, the paper was also covered in orange highlighter, with words circled and web addresses scrawled on the back. None of it made any sense, which delighted me to no end.

When we got home, I looked at a couple of the loco guy’s websites. They were the same kind of ranty incoherent diatribes as the paper he had given JR. You really must see them for yourself. Be sure to check out globalcide.livejournal.com. I promise you won’t be disappointed. And if you’re in my neighborhood, stop by the Earth Fare and check him out before he gets committed. I’m guessing he won’t be available for much longer, so don’t miss your chance.