Dirty Penis

Just because you loved Seinfeld doesn’t make you an honorary Jew. For some people in America, watching Seinfeld was the closest they have ever come to having a real Jewish person in their home. They got their first taste of Jewish culture and mannerisms, only it was disguised as NYC culture and mannerisms. Perhaps they don’t realize that a large percentage of their favorite actors, comedians, musicians, and other entertainers (except for the sports gods) are Jewish. What made Seinfeld different was its openness about Jewish experiences. Elaine missing the last chocolate babka? Look to the Black and White cookie? Jerry’s parents being South Florida residents? The sitcom didn’t have to show men in full beards and long black coats davening to get the point across.

I don’t know if Seinfeld is responsible for making Yiddish part of everyday language, but it certainly had to do with how it became so mainstream. Suddenly, everyone could call their boss a putz or utter oy and it was all good. But seriously, how many people even know what they are saying? Some might think they have an idea, but if asked directly, they could not give a definitive answer as to what oy vey actually means.

It may seem like I’m kvetching, but I’m not. Mostly, I’m amused, and here’s why.

The other day, I was in line at a store behind a woman and her son. He had a smudge of something on his cheek. She rubbed the side of his face and said, “Come here, you’ve got a little schmuck on your face.”

How delightful! I probably grinned like an idiot, fighting every impulse to interject. This is what I wanted to say:

“Excuse me, Ma’am, but I think you meant to say he has a little schmutz on his face. Having a little schmuck on your face means something very different than what you think it does. If he had schmuck on his face, you would need to call Child Protective Services and swab him for a DNA sample.”

But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know if she made a one-time slip or if she habitually uses the word schmuck incorrectly. Maybe she says it at the dry cleaners: “Try to get that schmuck out of the back of my dress, please.” Or after someone tracks mud in the house from the yard: “Who got schmuck all over my clean floors?” All I know is, it didn’t seem like a slip an actual Jew would make. We pretty much know our schmucks from our schmutz.

I kept hoping an alarm would go off, only instead of a siren, it would be the blast of a shofar. Then a minyan would step from behind the display of canned pork and beans and approach her.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but you'll have to come with us. You have just misused Yiddish in a public place."
"But where are you taking me?"
"Downtown, to the mikvah. There you will be properly cleansed and infected with a mild rhinovirus that will produce enough mucus in the back of your throat to make the 'ch' sound correctly."

And just FYI, oy vey means woe is me, frequent expression of mild anguish. It sounds way cooler than everyone walking around spouting “woe is me” every five seconds, doesn’t it?