Everybody's Doing It

My friend JR and I took our kids to the zoo a few weeks ago, an excellent way to kill a morning. I love going to the zoo because there is always something so horrifyingly funny to see; the animal world never disappoints me. At our zoo, I have seen a squirrel monkey masturbate furiously on one occasion and fling its poop on another. I have almost been sprayed by both a tiger and an ocelot. I have seen more than my fair share of flaccid monkey penises. And who could forget the great Elephant Trunking of 2009?

Since JR is also a fan of the truly disgusting, she makes a perfect zoo companion. Her own home is a hotbed of the truly disgusting, and she know however gross it is, she can always call me and share it, because I too will be delighted. Why, just the other day, her big old dog ate the feces of one of her tiny dog’s, which didn’t agree with her, as she then threw it up on the back porch. Poop is gross. Vomit is gross. But poop vomit? Comedy genius.

We arrived at the zoo with our combined three children and walked over to the elephant enclosure, the first exhibit past the ticket booth. One of the elephants must have recognized us from previous visits, because the first thing she did was take a huge steaming dump right in front of us. JR turned to Lil JR and said, “See, the elephants makes a poop. Just like you make a poop, and Mommy makes a poop, and Daddy makes a poop.”

“Have you seen that book, Everyone Poops?” I asked. “’He wipes himself with paper, and put it in the toilet,’” I quoted from the book.

“No, but we need it,” said JR. “I thought Lil JR might be ready for potty training, so one day when she seemed like she needed to go, we sat her on the potty seat and she did it. But when she saw her turd in the bowl, it freaked her out, and now we can’t get her to try again.”

“Ha,” I said.

“I know, right? So, now every time we go to the bathroom, we call Lil JR in to take a look so she can see everyone does it and it’s normal.”

“Like desensitization therapy?” I pointed out.

“Exactly,” JR said. “Amy does it. S does it. E does it,” she said to Lil JR.

S giggled. E said, “I’m not showing it to her.”

“Oh, come on, be a sport,” I said. “You’ll be helping her learn a very important life skill.” E gave me the stink eye.

“Did you ever see that episode of South Park when Stan’s father makes the best poop ever and shows it to everyone? I think he even tries for a world record,” I asked JR.

“Nope, I haven’t seen it,” JR said.

“Well, I have this feeling most guys are like that. They make this masterpiece and want to share it with the world. And now your husband has the perfect excuse!”

JR’s husband, MR, share her affinity for grossness. They are my kind of people.

“I can see him now,” I said. “Oh, Lil JR, come here, I want to show you something. Daddy makes a poop!” I suspect that MR has been waiting a lifetime for an opportunity like this. “You know,” I went on, “there’s a companion book to the poop one called The Gas We Pass. It’s all about farting.”

“That’s not as much of an issue,” JR said.

“Nothing traumatic about a fart?” I asked.

“Not yet,” JR said.

Lil JR has not shown any further interest in toilet training, but she has shown quite a bit of interest in poop in general. JR now spends most of her free time collecting dog waste in the back yard, a job once done primarily by her husband, now that Lil JR’s hobby is pointing it out to her. “Poop,” she yells, pointing to a pile of dog crap. “Poop!” She screams, finding another pile. JR runs around behind her, picking up little dog turds like a squirrel gathering nuts for winter.

I suspect this is just the beginning of Lil JR’s love of potty humor, if not love for the potty itself.