What's One More?

I really tried to say no to my older daughter, E. I did. I practiced with a couple of friends before I even attempted to have the conversation with E. I am not particularly good at no in general, but even less so when it comes to my daughters. Now, that’s not to say I let them walk all over me on a daily basis, because if I did, E would spend every day stomping around in my shoes and S’s diet would consist solely of things coated either in chocolate or cheese dust. But when it comes to things they want to do, like extracurricular activities, I have a hard time knowing when enough is enough. So when the email about basketball practice appeared in my inbox, I knew I needed some help with a strategy. Besides just deleting it, which seems obvious now but didn’t occur to me until it was too late.

When my girls were babies, I maintained a strong opinion on limiting activities, rather sanctimoniously, I can admit in retrospect. One activity at a time per child made sense. If they wanted to try something new, then they would have to give something up.

Activities, believe it or not, began in infancy. It started with Gymboree classes, where you might make one good mom friend, with whom you then quietly judged the rest of the moms on their appearance, the cuteness of their babies, and their parenting style. Gymboree had more to do with you getting out of the house than your child’s actual development, although I am sure the Gymboree people would disagree with me. The babies were delighted at the songs and crawling around, but really, the mothers were there to feel better than one another.

Then preschool started, and with it came new activities. We graduated from Gymboree and moved on to mommy and me gymnastics, swim lessons. I even signed the girls up for music classes than didn’t seem extracurricular since they took place at the preschool one morning a week and didn’t require any extra driving. It worked out to one and a half activities at a time, so it wasn't that far from my original position.

All hell broke loose in grade school. Suddenly my two girls wanted to learn a musical instrument. We opted for piano, as you get a lot of bang for your musical buck, even though E really wanted guitar lessons. We also continued with gymnastics, only without the mommy part, because, let’s face it, I’m no Mary Lou Retton. And the spring still saw swim lessons and oh my god, how did they end up with three activities each? What happened to the one activity at a time rule? I had to revise it. I rationalized music as an essential part of their education, not really extra at all. And physical activity is necessary for their health, right? Once I clarified that one at a time was an impossibility, that meant the girls could pursue other interests, such as dance, with its extra rehearsals for performances, and eventually guitar, because it is just one half hour a week. What's an extra half hour at this point?

Did I mention Sunday school? Oh, yes. Most Sundays a month, the girls attend religious school at our temple. Being Jewish isn’t something they are going to learn about in other ways in this southern state. I never went to religious school, and now I can only mumble songs and prayers, hoping the person next to me on the pew doesn’t notice when my mucus producing grunts don’t match up with their own. And when E started third grade, Sunday school spawned Wednesday night Hebrew, which will continue until the magic age of thirteen. Yet one more activity, which will be with us for years to come.

The girls eventually grew bored with swimming lessons and fearful of the more advanced gymnastic moves. So their physical activity interests have turned to team sports. In grade school, that means soccer, which is the team sport equivalent of piano. It doesn’t require much in the way of skill or coordination in order to participate, and most of the time, the kids are able to run and kick at a ball without causing damage to themselves and each other. But soccer is not a once a week activity; practices are on Mondays and the games are on Saturdays. It is a time suck and a pain in my ass, but the girls claim to love it, so I make the sacrifice of my time, driving them around, doing the extra laundry for the uniforms and odd long socks, and sitting with other parents, making small talk while rooting the child that likes to be rooted and ignoring the one who doesn’t want extra attention. It is not my idea of a good time, and saying I look forward to the end of the two and a half month season is an understatement. But I do it, because I know that as the days grow shorter, so does the number of games and practices, and eventually my Monday nights and Saturday mornings will be mine again.

That is, until I saw the basketball email. I decided no more, I have enough with the piano and dance and guitar and Hebrew and Sunday school. I didn’t need another activity without a carpool. So I rehearsed how to say no. I rationalized the need for some free time and a break from all the chauffeuring. I discussed the opportunity for simple at home exercise. And then I took a few deep breaths and talked to E.

She, unbeknownst to me, had her heart set on basketball. Soccer, according to her, is just something to do until basketball begins. She is willing to give up, well, nothing, but she must have basketball. She worked me over good. She mentioned that the team is with our temple, thus adding a uniquely Jewish experience to her childhood, an effective use of the guilt, I might add. She elaborated on how difficult it is to get exercise in the winter and what a good opportunity for her to maintain her healthy habits. How she is improving her skills and won’t be scared of the ball this season. And then she reminded me that soccer was ending and how if freed up our Mondays and Saturdays. I didn’t really have a good reason to not do it, other than I didn’t want to. So I compromised. I told her that we could only practice on Mondays, and if it wasn’t that afternoon, we just couldn’t do it this year. See, it almost sounded like a no. At least, to me it did.

Guess what day basketball practice is going to be?