Faster, Faster

Well, another Jewish year has begun (5770; it sounds like the title for a post-apocalyptic film starring Tom Cruise) and with it came Yom Kippur and another day of fasting. I try to fast every year, and I normally make it through my twenty four hours of self-imposed starvation fairly successfully. I did have that one year where I abstained from both food and water, which didn’t do much for my outlook but did cause a nasty bladder infection. So now I sip water judiciously throughout the day, both to stay hydrated and to take the occasional Advil. What? Advil does not count as food. And this isn’t the Jetsons, where a pill counts as a meal.

Last year, while I was fasting and bitching about fasting, my sister, CK, asked me why I even do it. I didn’t have an answer for her, other than because I was supposed to, which she felt was the worst reason ever to do anything. I saw her point, but continued fasting, if for no other reason than to see if I could.

This year was different, though. I had a reason to fast. My weight has been creeping up, and my will power has disappeared entirely, leaving a hole only chocolate seems to fill. I thought maybe a day of self-control and reflection might be just the ticket to making this the week I regained control over my eating habits and my weight. Just in time for the trifecta of uncontrolled eating months-October (Halloween candy), November (Thanksgiving), and December (Oh my G-d, I have to see both my family and my in-laws). And yes, I am aware that this is the wrong reason to fast for the Day of Atonement. I'll make peace with this one next Yom Kippur.

Some people I know fast until they can’t take it anymore and give up. Some people just don’t do it at all. Some people spend most of the day at temple, avoiding their kitchens at home. Still others nap their starvation-induced lethargy away. I suppose some people rub one out too, which is usually an excellent way to both pass the time and take your mind off of food, although frankly, while fasting, who has the energy?

But I have my own method for braving the fast. I employ some bizarre brain washing. I go with the obvious. Millions of people around the world are starving, not by choice or alleged religious obligations. They go to bed hungry and they wake up hungry and have no idea where their next meal is coming from. I know exactly where my next meal was coming from, Greenfield’s Deli (the ONLY place for bagels in the upstate of South Carolina), and I also know I could eat as much as I wanted to, if I could hold out until dinnertime. Sometimes I will reflect on the plight of concentration camp survivors, who made it through with only a crust of bread and a rotten potato for daily nutrition. I can live off my own blubber for a day and not even really notice. How lucky am I?

But alas, fasting to jump start a diet (not, by the way, a part of the Weight Watchers plan) is not what Yom Kippur is about. It is the Day of Atonement, a day of reflecting on self improvement and forgiveness, not just of the physical kind. It is sort of like a day for New Year’s resolutions, only with more Jewish guilt. We as Jews are supposed to look within, to think about how we have failed over the last year to be good, and how we can be better people in the coming year. The fasting is a great tool to attain that level of self-reflection. You can get a little starvation high, which might cause some delusional thought, which in turn is how you are able to forgive people who, really, we all know don’t deserve it. But ultimately, fasting is you devoid of feeding your need, and the gift of time to think about need in general.

Here’s what I don’t understand about fasting: if it is supposed to be a physical reminder of a spiritual obligation, why do we (meaning starving Jews) all wish each other an easy fast? It isn’t supposed to be easy. It is supposed to lay you bare and wrench your gut so that you know you did something hard on a day when you should do something hard. My friend TA agrees with me, and instead of an easy fast, she wishes people a meaningful one. She gets it.

I did spend some time reflecting and atoning on Yom Kippur, in the midst of trying to accomplish little tasks throughout the day. After temple, I ran errands until I was concerned I would pass out at Marshall’s. Honestly, I don’t know how the anorexics do it. 24 hours once a year is a small achievement compared to a life style of voluntary deprivation. I didn’t get sleepy or crabby, at least I don’t think I did, but I did get silly and slap happy. And then the sun set and I overate and drank too much red wine and felt like I needed another fast to get over that bit of unpleasantness. My fast brought me a little heightened awareness and a couple of pounds of water weight loss. A win-win, wouldn’t you agree?