All the Rage

What is the world coming to? It’s getting so you can’t even give someone the bird anymore without fearing for your safety.

Yesterday afternoon, my lovely young tween and I were victims of road rage. We were coming home from the monthly allergy shots, and it was mid-afternoon. Rush hour had not yet begun, so there didn’t seem to be any urgency or stress related to the commute, just a typical drive home from the allergist’s office.

I drove home on a three lane road and had one car in front of me, with about a car’s length between us. I passed the Publix on my left when another car pulled out of the grocery store lot into the median next to me. Instead of waiting for the lane to be clear, he just kept coming and squeezed between me and the car in front of me. No turn signal, no warning, just a quick veer into my lane. I had to brake to avoid hitting him and honked my horn, not out of anger, but to let him know I was there.  It was a single short honk, a little more than a friendly tootle, but certainly not a long fuck you honk. I live in South Carolina, not the Northeast US. We don’t generally honk a lot down here unless we have a good reason.

Now, instead of realizing he just almost hit me, he rolled down his window and started waving his arms around in a crazy fashion. I did what any normal person would do in response; I flicked him off.

Let’s review for a minute. I was in my lane. A car without any warning or right of way serves into my lane because god forbid he had to wait his turn to drive. I honked because I thought he was going to hit me. He gestured at me, and then I returned the gesture.

This is where the crazy train leaves the station. He slammed his brakes, hard, so that I had to do the same. Okay, I have seen this dangerously stupid move before, and I will never understand it. Why would you want someone to hit you, especially if you are in such a big fucking hurry that you don’t have time to make sure you have the right of way? I didn’t hit him because I could already tell he was nuts and was keeping a safe distance from him. Unfortunately, he was making me nuts too. So I gave him the double finger, both hands.

He slammed on his brakes again. Then he stopped the car and got out, yelling angrily. What the actual fuck? Who stops a car on a roadway in the middle of the day like that? I locked my car doors. My tween next to me looked up from her cell phone and asked me what the matter was.

Crazy Train stood right next to the driver door screaming at me. I was impressed with how well insulated my car was because I couldn’t hear a word of his. Cars were backing up behind me, but no one honked or did anything. I wonder if anyone realized someone had just lost their shit on a suburban road in front of them.

I cracked my window to hear what he had to say. It was probably not the smartest thing I could have done. The smartest thing would have been to call the police or to write down his license plate or maybe even to start filming him with my phone. In the heat of the moment, however, I didn’t think of any of those. I thought instead of listening to why he was yelling at me.

“What is your problem?? You are supposed to let me in!” he screamed.

I have been driving for years. Years. I don’t remember that rule of the road. I remember the part about the turn signals and making sure the coast was clear, but not the part where if you try to force yourself into a lane, someone is supposed to know what you planned to do, and then to let you do that.

“Have you ever heard of a turn signal?” I yelled back. “You almost hit me!”

“Great example you are setting there for your kid,” he yelled.

I might not be perfect, but flicking someone off in front of my twelve year old hardly seems the sort of thing that deserves criticism from a stranger. I came back with a real zinger. “Great example YOU are setting for my kid!” 

He walked back to his car, and I rolled my window all the way down and yelled, “JACK…ASS!” Take that.

He started his car and instead of driving away, he looked like he was getting ready to do the asinine breaking thing again.  Luckily I was at my neighborhood, so I just put on my blinker and made a right turn.

And scene.

The tween was scared, legitimately. I drove extra slowly to our home just to make sure he didn’t turn into the other neighborhood entrance and follow us. When my own anger wore off, I was pretty scared too.

All I did was honk my horn. I didn’t let him over because I had no way of knowing he was planning on coming over. I didn’t lay on the horn; I didn’t honk it multiple times, and I didn’t do it in anger. I did it to get his attention, the way God intended us to use horns. Instead of getting a sorry wave or nothing, I got some seriously fucked up shit.

Looking back, should I not have honked when he came in my lane without warning? Should I have attempted to swerve around him in the median and risk possibly hitting him with my car when he got out of his car and angrily approached mine? Should I have done nothing? I honestly don’t know what I could have done differently in that instance, other than not rolling down the window and yelling back.

Now, when it came to the giving the bird, sure, that I could have left off. That man could have had a gun. He could have blown my brains out all over my daughter in the seat next to me. I didn’t think about that, I just thought he was a total dick, and I lifted my middle finger to let him know.

Let’s be safe out there, folks. And if you think about, try to be nice too.