Jumping the Shark?

Go shark yourself.

No, that’s not a new thing, but rather the slogan for SyFy's answer to Shark Week,  the Discovery Channel's annual week of documentaries all about those popular and misunderstood man eaters of the deep.

Nothing nice is ever said between the words “go” and “yourself,” so I find it incredibly entertaining that a television event would opt for that catchphrase. I can see kids all across America telling their parents and teachers to go shark themselves this August. Many a proud moment and possible viral video is about to be born.

Shark Week is something my family looks forward to, even though, truth be told, the programming is boring as shit. A new show or two might be produced each year, but the rest is reruns of shark documentaries, some as old as my teenagers. Apparently there is not that much new to say about sharks. They still have a lot of teeth, they still mistake humans in wet suits for seals, they are still misaligned and misunderstood and majestic. And they are still fish. Is there anything new to cover about these mysterious creatures of the deep?

Maybe not for documentaries, but for the SyFy Channel, there is. After last year’s inexplicable success of the B movie, Sharknado, the sequel is ready. Yes, Sharknado 2: The Second One is premiering this week, and it promises to be, well, about the same as the last one. Mediocre actors will deliver poorly written lines while unrealistically computer animated sharks fly out of water spouts and devour everyone, leaving a river of fake blood down a movie set that vaguely resembles a major American city.

Don’t forget to mark your calendars. Think about it. Sharknado was the biggest shark thing to come out last summer, and it isn’t even officially part of Shark Week. Take that, real science.

SyFy knows a good thing when they see it. Sharknado got them a lot of attention, and this sequel is looking to live up to the hype. What SyFy lacks in quality programming, it makes up for in shameless self-promoting. In that regard, SyFy is beating the dead horse all week, pulling out such horrible movies such as Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and the one I watched this afternoon, 2-Headed Shark Attack.

Yes, I admit it. I didn’t sit and watch the entire horrendous piece of crap stench, but I did watch enough to speak semi-intelligently to the matter, if that is such a thing. Besides, it was either that or SpongeBob, and I have reached my lifetime maximum of SpongeBob’s laugh. Seriously, can’t my kids watch something else besides SpongeBob?

2-Headed Shark Attack is what it sounds like. A giant two headed shark eats everybody. There is a loose plot, kind of like how porn has a plot, in order to transition from money shot to money shot. The computer animation has got to be done by some kid in his parent’s basement on a Commodore 64, and the entire wardrobe is from the hoochie mama collection at Kmart. Let’s look a little closer at the story line, shall we?

The premise of this stinker was laid out in the first thirty seconds, something about a class full of hot students in bikinis and board shorts on a boat in the deep sea, learning to use sextants. After a couple of sextant jokes, a big dead shark slaps against the hull of the boat. The teacher of the class, whose acting career has really taken a downturn, tries to hook the dead shark against the boat, but it slips under and into the propellers, thus making a trail of chum that naturally attracts the rare two-headed great white shark. It shows up and starts eating everyone, sometimes in pairs, sometimes just sharing one victim.

 At one point, a small atoll is spotted, and all the hot students decide to head there for safety, after the big boat has also been attacked and damaged by the two headed shark. Somehow, this magical two headed sea beast is able to be in two places at once, thus terrorizing both the non-English speaking crew back at the boat and the hot students over on the island.

Carmen Electra, Dennis Rodman's ex-wife, is also in the movie. She is cast as a doctor, since that’s believable,  but instead of doing anything vaguely intelligent,  she spends most of the time lying around arching her back and working on her tan while slowly rubbing her thighs together. You know, like a real doctor would.  I can’t tell if she is sexy or constipated, but she must have a really good chiropractor.

After the token black guy gets eaten, because, surprise, he can’t swim, I turned off the movie. I don’t know exactly how it ends, but I imagine that Carmen arches her back while saving the day, since she is the only “star” of the whole production.

My real problem with these shark movies is that I can’t tell if they are good bad or just bad bad. Things that are good bad include s’mores, flip flops, county fairs, and Limp Bizkit. Things that are bad bad include yeast infections, freezer burned ice cream, Kenny G, and broken toes.  SyFy shark movies? Well, they could go either way.

Sharknado 2: The Second One premieres July 30. Hell yes, I am going to be watching, and I don’t care who knows it.