Celtic or Gaelic? It's all Greek to Me

Sometimes, it’s just impossible to get motivated to do anything but grumble and complain. Today is one of those days. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, which makes it March 17, and it is cold and rainy. Below forty degrees cold, and wet and grey and miserable. Everybody wearing various shades of green isn’t helping to make the day bright and happy.

See, here’s the thing. I don’t care about St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not Catholic, nor am I Irish. Honestly, I don’t even know what the holiday is for. Is it a Catholic holiday for Catholics or is it an Irish day for Irish people, or is it both?  I seem to recall a story about him driving the snakes out of Ireland, although apparently there weren’t any snakes to begin with. Whatever its origin or purpose, St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated all around the world and seems to focus primarily on excessive drinking, which seems to be something that the world at large can get behind.

I don’t much care for excessive drinking. I have a two drink maximum, unless it’s a long night, in which case I might splurge and make it two and a half. For some reason, I cannot seem to choke down the last half of the third drink, which means I know my limit. I am not a fan of bed spins or vomiting, which my body prefers to passing out as a way to deal with too much alcohol. So I don’t generally allow myself to get to the point where such a choice is made.

One thing I do know is that watching other people drink too much is not my idea of a good time. I don’t like to watch other people throw up any more than I care to do it myself. I am not a fan of slurred words, and I find that pissing and defecating on oneself should be the domain of the very old or the very young. The rest of us should not step into that territory without a note from our physicians.

Drinking too much seems to lead to many bad choices, but I will concentrate on the two F’s: fucking and fighting. When you think of Irish stereotypes, does anything else come to mind besides drinking, fighting, and, well, procreating? You can’t make babies without making babies, if you know what I mean. Now, I am fully aware I am perpetuating stereotypes, but I guess my point is, if I have one, that too much drinking leads to too much sex and violence. Is that really fair to the rich heritage of the Irish people? What about potatoes and red hair and the Lord of the Dance?

And limericks. Don't forget those. The only one I can remember is about a young man from Nantucket. That is the only one that counts.

Also, and this is a big one, we aren’t all Irish. Or Catholic. So why are we all celebrating St Patrick’s Day? I don’t like to wear green, but I also don’t like to get pinched. Who designs forced celebrations through bullying?

As a Jew of Eastern European and Russian descent, I am about as far removed from an Irish Catholic as I can get, yet even I wore green because I didn’t want to be pinched. That’s just fucked up. I wore a green sweater today. With a hole in it. It’s just about the only green thing I have. My daughter wore a green striped shirt to school but still got pinched. Apparently the green wasn’t green enough. It might have even been teal, which technically is blue-green and should still count. So not only was she pinched, she was called stupid and color blind. Is that what St. Patrick would do? I think not.

I am fascinated by the parts of cultural celebrations we adopt in the United States. A lot of Irish people immigrated to America, so we honor the culture in an unofficial capacity, drinking green beer and dying rivers green and kissing strangers and parading around, unless it’s New York or Boston and you are gay, in which case no parade for you. I’m sorry, but is there anything gayer than a St. Patrick’s Day parade? It’s got a pot of gold and rainbows, and a little man with a beard dressed all in green that everyone is looking for, and way too much drinking. That sounds like every weekend for most of the gay people I know. And what about Gaelic? Just say it out loud. See? For all we know, St. Patrick was gay. He did have a thing for snakes and spreading his agenda. Just sayin'.

Seriously, if they want to make  St Patrick’s Day political, turn those parades into an anti-abortion rally. That’s something both Catholics and Irish can get behind.

Celebrating St Patrick’s Day is the whitest thing America does. If urban centers adopted other colors, say, blue or red, and took to the streets in a giant drunken street party, it would be considered gang land riots. They would break out the water canyons and tear gas and swat gear and break up that motherfucker.

In conclusion, I don’t want to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I don’t want to wear green and I don’t eat corned beef and I don’t want you to pinch me. Also, I want the sun to come out and dry up all the rain. Then I can think about something fun and lively and warm for spring. Like Cinco de Mayo.