The Land of Milk and Honey Boo Boo

I have a confession to make. I have become a regular viewer of TLC’s newest abomination, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” which unfortunately airs on Wednesday evenings following “Toddlers and Tiaras,” another show I am ashamed to admit I watch regularly. “Toddlers and Tiaras” is a reality show about the world of children’s pageants, and oh, what a world it is. Most of us first learned of that world following the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey in 1996, and rightly so, most of us were shocked that such a world existed. At the same time we were apathetically expressing our outrage, another smaller group of people thought, aww, look at them cute little girls all tarted up to look like women, let’s see if our little Jennifer/Tammy/Britney can do that too. 

One of those pageant girls is Alana, or “Honey Boo Boo Child,” as she is known to her family and now to the rest of us as well. She was on “Toddlers and Tiaras” a few times, and while she didn’t win a title, she did win America’s heart.  And TLC, which used to be The Learning Channel but somehow lost its way, has given her and her family their own show. They also have shows about primordial dwarfs and conjoined twins, so if you are a little off in some way, TLC might be contacting you soon.  Watching it is like visiting a carnival side show, only without the corn dog smell and crack smoking barkers.

Anyway, back to Honey Boo Boo. She lives in a small house with her family near the train tracks in the middle of nowhere, Georgia. She has three sisters, none of which have the same father, a morbidly obese mother who is also an extreme couponing fanatic, and a father who is never without a ball cap and a wad of chewing tobacco. One of her sisters is pregnant. The other two also have weight problems. Her parents are not married. Her mother has an old toe injury that the whole family calls her “forklift foot.” How can I not get hooked on this?

The first time I watched the show, I felt really sad. The whole show was sad. They live in a tiny house, half of which is filled with discount toilet paper. They buy their groceries at a food salvage auction. The sheriff calls them when there is road kill so they can have the meat.  Their idea of fun is hopping on their four wheelers to rummage through the dumpsters at the town landfill, to which they refer as the department store. The show uses subtitles when they speak, and they are speaking English. Every bit of the show exploits this family’s poverty and ignorance, and by watching it, am I not engaging in a bit too much schadenfreude?

But then I thought, what would Honey Boo Boo do? Does she care that her mother farts all the time? Hell no! Is she embarrassed that her 17 year old sister is going to have a baby and the whole family discusses it coming out of her “biscuit” on national television? Of course not!  Does she want to hide her head in public because her parents’ idea of date night is eating at the local country buffet? I doubt it! Is she ashamed that it takes five of them to put together one pack n play, or that the pack n play isn’t for a human baby but rather a pig baby? Probably not!

Her family is getting paid for showing us how the other half lives, and while not they are certainly not making as much as they should, they are definitely making more than they would without all that attention. I read that they earn roughly $4,000 an episode, or per week, if you think about it that way. They sure as shit couldn’t get that working for P. T. Barnum. That’s a whole lotta pork rinds. Good for them. So what if they toilet paper their own house? They can afford two ply, can’t they?

As I have watched the show, I realize one very important thing about Honey Boo Boo and her family. They love each other, unconditionally. That mother might need to be referred to child protective services time and again, but at the end of the day, she isn’t trying to hurt her children. She loves them. She wants them happy. She provides them with food and shelter. She gives them experiences, maybe not the same kind you give your children, but she does the best with what she has, which isn’t a lot, folks. She accepts them for who they are. She encourages them. In her own bizarre way, she is a good mother. And her daughters, well, they love her too, or they appear to, based on the editing. The dad, Sugar Bear, doesn’t seem all that capable of expression, but he does tear up as often as John Boehner, so he feels something for his family as well. It’s gosh darned touching.

So while I would never mix a tub of butter substitute and a bottle of ketchup together, heat it, and use it as a sauce for my spaghetti noodles, I shouldn’t judge Honey Boo Boo for enjoying it along with her family. Her mother made that meal with love. We can’t all be eating organic kale chips and quinoa, can we?