A Three-hour Tour

It sounded like a good idea. A relaxing boat ride after dinner. It was about 7:30, the air was cooler and breezy, and the lake not as crowded with Memorial Weekend boaters and jet skiers. We could enjoy the fresh air and let the kids go tubing. My sister’s and my families all piled into the motor boat in our life vests. I am a stickler for the life vests; it seems every weekend somebody dies on the lake, and it wasn’t going to be one of us.

That’s one of several reasons why I’m not a big lake fan. I’m also not crazy about the part where you can’t stand up in the water, or that it smells bad, or that you don’t know where you are, or that it’s filled with drunk rednecks.

Six of us piled in the boat, with the other two on the tube behind it, and headed out of our cove to the big open part of the lake.The water level at the lake is already so low this year that we had to lower the dock so that it floated farther out in the water. Otherwise, the dock wouldn’t be floating anymore, and the boat would be stuck in the orange clay of the lake bed. The bad part is that when the dock was lowered, no steps were added. The steps now just end, and anyone who wants to get on the dock has to climb down the rocky slope, which is more like a short cliff.

Once we were on the main lake, my husband maneuvered the boat around buoys and over wakes, trying to make the tubing a little more adventurous. We waved at the other boaters as we went past, and then slowed down when we got to the I-85 bridge.

Boating under a bridge is a little surreal. There are statistics about boat accidents stenciled on the bridge supports, just as a little reminder of how dangerous tooling around on the lake can be. To add to the sense of danger are a bunch of ropes dangling from the bridge. Night time fishers will tie their boats to the bridge by throwing a rope over the railing instead of using an anchor. When they are done fishing, they cut the rope, leaving a long piece dangling from the bridge. The result is a series of cut ropes just blowing in the breeze under the bridge. It looks like we happened upon a site where a mass lynching took place, but the bodies had already been cut down. I wouldn’t be shocked to see a body swaying under the bridge.

After we passed the bridge, my husband sped up and curved the boat around to make the tubing more fun. Then the boat sputtered a few times. Then it stopped. He tried to start the engine but it wouldn’t. We were stranded. We enjoyed the beautiful sunset while trying to decide the best course of action. My sister's husband pulled the tube in so the two kids could get in the boat. I guess with all eight of us in a broken down boat, the chances of one of us panicking would be less without having to worry about the two floating behind us.

If you have boat trouble in the ocean, you can always radio the Coast Guard for help. If you have trouble on the lake, your only option is relying on the kindness of strangers. We waved down the first boat to pass us, a small family also out to enjoy an early evening boat ride. They kindly pulled their watercraft up to ours. From the smell of them, they had been enjoying their beer as much as the boating. I don’t know if the alcohol made them nicer, but they were amenable to towing us to the marina, and threw us a rope. My sister’s husband tied it to the bow and they began the very slow process of dragging our boat behind theirs.

Do you know how to get four children to be quiet? Put them on a boat, run out of gas, and then have a boat full of drunk people tow them. The reality of the situation was not lost on them.

By the time we got to the marina, their whining resumed. We gave the rope back to the sots and offered them some cash for their trouble, in case they wanted more beer. They declined and went on their way, leaving us with the fun task of trying to figure out how to fill up a boat.

Did I mention it isn’t even our boat? It’s my other brother in law’s watercraft, and normally he is there when we go tooling around on the lake. So paying attention to the gas gauge isn’t something we remember to do. And filling up the tank before we go out is also not part of our routine. We waited while a houseboat gassed up, then dragged the long hose over from the pump and filled up the boat. I begged some other boaters on the dock for change for a five to buy drinks from the machine for the kids. The lone machine, which only took one dollar bills, even though the drinks cost $1.25. My nephews each wanted a soda. I asked if they were allowed to have caffeine that close to bed, and they assured me my sister would be cool with it. I bought water for my girls to share and we all carried our drinks over to the boat, where the dads were trying to figure out why the lights on the boat didn’t work. My sister took one look at the sodas and disputed my nephew’s claims.

We all piled back into the boat, ready to attempt the journey home. The tricky thing about lakes is they don’t have directional signs. You have to know where you are going, but also where you came from, so you can find your way back to your house or car. That isn’t so difficult if you do it all the time, and it’s light outside. But if you are a novice boater and it’s dark, it’s like driving a car across country while blindfolded. My tween was the only one with decent enough night vision and a good enough memory to help get us back home. My sister’s husband’s job was calling out water hazards like buoys and other boats, while my husband slowly steered us under the bridge and back to the main lake.

You know what else makes four children quiet? The reality of being on a boat in the dark in unfamiliar territory with no lights. My husband drove at frog gigging speed, like he didn’t want to startle any fish nearby, but really he didn’t want to hit that tree jutting up from the bottom of the lake. With the tween’s help, he made it past the tree and back to our cove. It was pitch black, and ten o’clock, and now we all had to figure out how to get back up the rock wall from the dock in the dark. My husband was pumped full of adrenaline and bounced around us, talking about adventure and risk and excitement. The rest of us just wanted showers and a bed.

Here’s a tip: try to keep a flash light or two on a boat, just in case. Also, make sure you have gas and you know where you are. Just sayin’. And one more thing: don’t judge the drunk rednecks too harshly. You never know when you’ll need their help.