Sloppy Seconds

I think I accidentally made love to the cat.

Before you throw up in your mouth, let me add I was not an active participant. It just sort of happened, kind of like a one night stand in college.

 A few weeks ago, my husband and I decided to engage in consensual marital relations, and we closed our bedroom door so as not to disturb the children sleeping in their rooms or the neighbors or anyone else who might happen to walk by at that late hour. Normally, we sleep with our bedroom door open because both my cats have Houdini genes and can open any interior door in the house. Instead of us listening to a cat hanging off the doorknob until it opens, we allow the kitties access to our bedchambers at night so we can maybe catch a little shut eye. They have a system. The crazy girl cat, Yoko, opens the door, and the stupid male cat, Moshe, flies in the room and settles down on the bed. They work together as a super annoying team.

In the cat’s defense, Moshe isn’t used to being excluded from the room. Normally, he hides under the bed or behind the chair while we are fully in the throes of ecstasy. When we finish, there he is, watching from the nightstand, judging us silently. When he gets the all-clear signal, he slinks to the foot of the bed and goes to sleep. And knock it off; you all know you do it in front of your dogs.

This time, however, the door was closed. We did it, and then my husband got up to open the bedroom door before we nodded off to dreamland. Well, who comes bounding in the room but Moshe, and he’s really pissed off that he was left out of the fun. He hopped right up on the bed, not even waiting for my husband to get back on his side of the bed, and he starts making biscuits in my armpit.

Making biscuits is that thing when cats knead their paws and purr. Moshe is a big boy, a good fourteen pound tom cat, so he can’t very well climb on my tummy and make biscuits, lest he rupture my spleen. So he settles for my right armpit. I generally don’t mind because I exercise a lot and my shoulder and upper arm muscles get pretty sore. Plus, he was declawed after he turned my sectional sofa into a cat condo at the young age of four months, so his little cat fingers are strong but not sharp. A little cat massage helps work out those kinks.

He picks the right side of my body because my husband sleeps on the left side of the bed. My husband does not like his sleep disturbed by overly affectionate cats in the middle of the night, and Moshe is fully aware of this. One time, when my husband came to bed late, Moshe decided to start loving on me. My husband knocked him out of the bed and said, “Bitch, please,” which made us both to laugh for a good twenty minutes, because where did that come from?

Anyway, Moshe was working hard at my armpit, and I didn’t move. His moments of affection don’t last that long, so it’s better to be still and wait till he finishes. Otherwise, he has to start over again, and I rather just get it over with. I lay still, and he pumped his little paws in my armpit, just purring and kneading and happy as can be. Then he made the weirdest noise, sort of a half meow/ half yowl, almost like he was in pain, and everything stopped.

Yes, I thought it was creepy too. He got out of my armpit and started sniffing around on the bed in the general area where his backside was. Satisfied, he curled up and fell asleep next to me. I wasn’t about to turn on the lights and see what happened because that would have been an acknowledgement that something had indeed happened. Also, turning on the light would have alerted my husband to the possibility that something happened, which was not a good way to end the evening. I tried to put the whole thing out of my mind, and I too went to sleep.

The next morning, neither my husband nor I nor the cat discussed what may or may not have gone down in the bedroom the previous night. In fact, I am kind of hoping my husband doesn’t read this blog. I don’t want him to think I enjoyed it or anything, or that I plan on letting it happen again. Although, I have to admit, my shoulder felt great the next day, even if I did feel a little cheap and used.