I am known for my bizarre little stream of consciousness, but it turns out, I have passed that delicious trait onto my older daughter, E. At 12, E has demonstrated some pretty odd jumps in thought that rival my own twisted mind, and I have to admit, I am as proud as I am disturbed. Add to that her developing sense of humor and understanding of double entendres, and my tween is turning into one weird kid. I love who she is, even as she is shaping up for a lifetime of saying the wrong thing and thinking thoughts most people would never verbalize.
About a month ago, we were enjoying a delicious Sunday breakfast at home. My friend MJ and her baby boy KS were staying with us, and I had prepared quite a spread. Homemade pancakes, veggie sausage patties, grits, fresh fruit, and pork sausage links. We don’t do eggs in our family usually because we all just rather eat the starches anyway, so who needs the extra calories?
The pork sausage was a snafu on my part, in that I don’t eat pork or any other red meat. I don’t care if the Pork Council calls it the other white meat; it still starts off red and has a funky aftertaste and smells like a slaughterhouse when I cook it, so I have no interest in eating it. But the package looked exactly like the turkey sausage box, and MJ doesn’t have the same red meat aversion I do, so pork sausage links it was.
We all sat down to stuff ourselves on what looked like a hotel breakfast buffet, when E asked me if the sausage was pork or turkey. I confessed that I accidentally bought pork. She opted for a veggie sausage patty instead, and then she asked me, “Mom, can animals be gay?”
Now, the last thing I want to think about while eating animal products is their sexual orientation. Honestly, I don’t want to think about their lives at all. Was this nugget once a nice chicken? Did it look after its chicks lovingly? Did this steak once cheat on his wife or beat his children? Did my Chilean sea bass embezzle from the school? I don’t even want to remember my food had a face.
“Are you asking me if your sausage is gay?” I said, causing MJ to choke a little.
“She’s eating veggie sausage, Mom,” my other daughter S chimed in.
“Can't we eat breakfast without having one of these conversations?” My husband asked.
“Just drink your coffee,” E told him. “Well, Mom, can they?”
“Sure, they can,” I said. “If you think about what percentage of the human population is gay, and if you believe homosexuality is biological and not a choice, well, why couldn’t animals be gay? I would guess it would be in about the same numbers as with people.”
“The farm operates on prison rules.” My husband said. MJ and I cracked up.
“What does that mean?” S asked.
“Who wants more pancakes?” I smirked.
“Well, which animals are gay?” E continued.
“How am I supposed to know? Am I some expert on gay animals?”
When I was a kid, I had a dog that used to hump men and male cats, but I didn’t offer up that information. Besides, the dog was more into fragrances than partners. If it smelled good to him, he would hump it. I bet he would have humped a cheeseburger if it was drenched in Polo by Ralph Lauren.
E stood up and said, “I’ll Google it real quick."
“No!” MJ, my husband, and I all yelled at her.
“I’ll do it,” I said. I hopped up, almost knocking over my chair, and quickly rushed over to the desktop computer. Everyone else continued eating their breakfast.
“It says right here that lots of animals have exhibited gay behavior.”
“Seriously, it’s breakfast,” my husband said again to no one in particular.
“All across the animal kingdom,” I continued. “10% of male rams won’t mate with ewes. That might be about the same as in humans. It says here all sorts of animals have shown homosexual behavior. Bison. Snakes. Fish.“
“What about pigs?” S asked.
I ignored her and rejoined my family at the table. “How does one get from breakfast sausage to gay animals?” I asked out loud.
E thought for a minute and said,” I don’t have any idea. I was just curious, I guess.”
“Gay curious?” MJ said, stifling a laugh.
“Anyone for more sausage?” I said, holding up the plate with the links. Of course, the answer was no.
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