Elephants' Graveyard

Where do old vibrators go when they die? I know I am not the only one who has wondered about this. Most women in my age range have at least one sex toy, which like all small appliances have a relatively short shelf life.

Yes, of course you have more than one sex toy. There is the starter one you purchased when you first thought about venturing into the world of adult toys, which was more of a novelty item than anything. That little pocket rocket couldn’t electrocute a moth, let alone produce an earth shattering orgasm. For something of that strength, an upgrade had to be made, which perhaps you enjoyed so thoroughly that you should have purchased them in bulk, what with the way you burn through them. Add to that your old collection of porn, maybe even on VHS, all bought back before the days of the Internet sex smorgasbord. Chances are good that most of us have a couple of crappy old vibrators and some really bad porn hiding in our closets. The suburbs are teeming with them, an infestation of outdated unmentionables.

 At some point, you will break up with your part-time battery operated lover. You will either move on to something newer and younger and stronger with an electrical cord, or just wear your old favorite the fuck out. And then what? Just toss it in the garbage can along with the expired cottage cheese, forgotten like yesterday’s sale catalogs? Or are you too embarrassed to put it in your own trash, in case the sex police are sorting your Hefty bags right now AS YOU READ THIS? Maybe you hide it in your hoodie and take a walk, hoping one of your neighbors has hauled the trash cans to the curb for pick up day, whereupon you bury it in their trash and keep walking, hoping that no one saw you. I would imagine that the landfills are overflowing with broken down dildos and vibrators. It’s not like you can take them to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.

Once when I worked as a cashier at a grocery store, a rather obese woman returned a douche bag that she had used because it had a hole in it. I tried to just stuff some money in her hand to make her go away, but no, I had to do a price check and everything. I'm still shocked at her nerve, twenty-odd years later. Who returns a used douche bag? Who even buys a new one? If it were me and I were into douche bags, I would just eat the cost and pony up for another. But bring it back to the store? I think not.

It’s a shame, if you think about it. If Apple can refurbish an old iPod, why can’t somebody fix up a used sex toy? It’s not that different from a waterproof flashlight in terms of technology, is it? Surely some engineer out there could come up with either a better, more reliable design or at least an easy way to fix them up. Why isn’t anyone working on this issue?

 I have two theories. The first is that the sex toy manufacturers know that you will be too embarrassed to do anything about their inferior products, so they only have to make them good enough to  get you hooked. There is a reason that Toyota and Maytag aren’t in the vibrator business. No corporation wants you to get your rocks off with the same trusty, reliable friend for longer than most marriages last. And if your toy breaks after a few good times, what are you going to do? Send it back and ask for a replacement? I bet most suburban women would prefer to shell out another fifty dollars than go through that level of humiliation. Can you imagine the phone call to complain about your vibrator?

 Customer Service Operator: May I help you?
You: Yes, I have a problem with my sex toy.
Customer Service Operator: What sort of problem? Can you describe it?
You: Not really. I just want to exchange it.
Customer Service Operator: We can’t exchange used merchandise. Has it been used?
You: I don’t want to talk about it. Can I just get my money back?
Customer Service Operator: I can’t issue a refund without knowing what the problem is. What seems to be wrong with it?
You: Never mind.
Customer Service Operator: How else can I help you today?
You: I’d like to place an order for a new vibrator.
Customer Service Operator: Which model are you interested in?
 You: I just remembered I need to wash my hair. Good bye.

 Which is how you ended up with more than one vibrator in the first place; you broke that starter one, didn’t you? So you toss it out because as far as you know, no one has created a refurbishment or used sex toy industry. Because ew, who wants a used sex toy? Unless that dildo was inside Marilyn Monroe’s sugar walls, chances are good it’s not collectible. A used vibrator is like an old whore; who knows where it’s been? Even if they could be refurbished, and I am talking about vibrators and not old whores, who would want them?

 I propose we begin a campaign to renovate old funky vibrators and send them to impoverished nations. If we can do it with Crocs, why not a two foot long double headed dildo? It will be a great way to spread a little happiness to some places that sorely need it, while reducing the waste in our landfills. I’m still working on a name for this venture, but my current favorite is "Buttplugs without Borders." When I get it up and running, I’ll let you know where to send your donation. Just be sure to double bag it, because I don’t want to touch your old nasty adult toy.