Eight Maids a'Milking: Stop it!

An Open Letter to the Makers of Bop It!

Dear Sirs:

I want to congratulate you on creating and selling the most torturous device on the market today. My daughter received this alleged toy as a Christmas gift, and since that time, both her father and I have been on the verge of a mental breakdown. If I had secrets to tell any enemies of the state, surely I would have broken by now.

I address you as sirs because rarely do women mastermind such malice. Only a man would design a device which appears simplistic yet in practice is pure evil. If any woman had anything to do with this apparatus, surely she would be one who had never known love, and thus unleashed her anger and loneliness upon unsuspecting families in the form of a child’s plaything.

Upon first glance, the Bop It! Interactive game looks and acts like a regular child’s toy. The premise is uncomplicated. The player must follow one of four commands of the toy, either to Bop it!, which means to hit the wide button in the middle, to Twist it!, which is to quickly turn a funnel shaped knob, to Pull it!, which is to yank roughly on the blue knob on the other end, or to Shout it!, which features a microphone into which a player must yell. These commands are spoken with a recorded voice with no discernible accent, yet so vaguely familiar that you find yourself unable to ignore it. To keep the player unsuspecting, the commands are issued to a perky beat, one that will stay in your mind for hours after the device has been disarmed and stored for another time.

On what is supposed to be one of the most wholesome days of the year, Christmas, my family waged a full out war on each other over Bop It!. With the first few notes of its rhythm, the first command to “Bop It” could be heard in every room in the house. There was no escape. People stopped what they were doing and followed the hypnotic melody until they located the device, each in turn demanding a chance to hold it and do its bidding. Luckily, you sirs knew that would happen and thus developed different modes of play, so that it could be manipulated alone or in a mob.

The sound settings that you crafted also highlight your evil genius. Loud, louder, or brain controlling volume levels ensure no refuge whenever the game is in play. Have you ever heard a new mother complain of phantom cries when her newborn is asleep? That same phenomenon occurs with Bop It! In fact, I can hear it right now, and it is not even inside my home, as my daughter had the urge to take it with her in the car. I hope my husband doesn’t drive into a ravine in an effort to make it stop.

Bop it! Bop it! Twist it! Bop it! Shout it! Twist it! Pull it! Pull it! Bop it! Shout it! And on and on. And on.

In the course of twenty-four hours, our peaceful household has become a new circle of hell.  I, along with the rest of my family, am compelled to narrate every action I take in mimicry of the toy. Pour it! I say when I make a beverage. Fix it! My husband said while repairing a broken door handle. Wipe it! I heard from behind the closed bathroom door. Feed it! I instructed my daughter when one of the family pets followed us around.

While I believe in the interest of public safety that these device should be recalled from the market, taken to a deserted field in which a large pit had been dug, fired upon at close range, then set on fire before being buried, at the same time I would like to offer a couple of alternate market suggestions for similar products. To be blunt, this item should not be in the hands of children, but would make an excellent adult toy. Why not develop a similar design, but with waterproof silicone attachments and different vibration settings? A list of commands could make the product a lively addition to any consenting couple’s love play. Suck it! Pinch it! Lick it! Poke it! Stuff it! The command options could be greater than the four Bop It! currently allows, and could still allow for solo or group play.

For a more hard core audience, may I suggest an S and M themed version, Slap it! This game could have more physical commands, including Smack it! Punch it! Gag it! Kick it! and Beat it! You could create different variations of that model as well, including but not limited to the dysfunctional home version, the prison version, and even the underground bunker version.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to either offer a refund for the Bop it! to which we currently are enslaved, along with the necessary funds for follow-up treatment, or alternately to discuss the concepts which I have briefly pitched here in this letter. I eagerly await the courtesy of your response, and I thank you for your time.