The Greatest Show on Earth

(This is for you, MJ)

By now I am sure you have all heard the headlines: Baby Found in Toilet at the Bi-Lo Center in Greenville, South Carolina. For those of you who live under a rock, and I do mean you, LM, let me fill you in on this little news item. Apparently, about a week ago, a woman gave birth to a full term baby in a toilet at an entertainment venue that is named for a lesser grocery store chain. On a Friday night. During the circus. The cleaning staff found the newborn clinging to life in the toilet bowl, whereupon they called 9-1-1 and saved the baby. Since that time, the mother of this infant has been found and charged with a slew of crimes just short of murder. Turns out she is a married twenty four year old woman who already has a four year old kid. She is separated from her spouse, who is now trying to get custody of their child, because he decided that if she could birth a baby in the john and leave it there, then maybe he could do a better job of parenting. He is not, by the way, the father of the newborn. It also appears that there is no chance for a marital reconciliation. A lot of people don’t forgive leaving a baby in the toilet.

Now, I am not such an ogre that I don’t realize what a horrible news story this is. Come on, this is a newborn baby we are talking about, one of God’s littlest children. I get that. But it is more than a little funny. Even my nine year old is calling it “the toilet baby.” My eleven year old has asked me more than once if there is anything more embarrassing than being born in a toilet, which I will have to remind her of the next time I mortify her in public (Mom, you are so embarrassing. It could be worse, E. I could have delivered you in the toilet). She thinks that baby will never get over the story of how it came into the world, and thus there is no hope for it. Remember the test tube baby? What about that baby in the well? It seems my daughter has a pretty good point.

I want to know how it all went down that Friday night at the Bi-Lo Center. Was the mom totally alone in the restroom at the circus? Is it possible to be in a ladies room at the circus and be the only one in there? I have never been anywhere that involved both women and children that didn’t have a bathroom line that wrapped around the building.

The mom claims to not have known she was pregnant, which is possible, since there is even a reality show dedicated to the fact that lots of knocked up women are clueless idiots when it comes to their bodies. But when she did enter the stall, and commenced giving birth, did no one else in the bathroom notice? Don’t you think at least one woman turned to another and said, Jesus, it sounds like she’s giving birth in there? I have been to the restroom plenty in my life, at least several times a day, and never before have I heard a woman make a noise in a stall that made me think that the circle of life was beginning on the crapper next to me. Sure, I have heard women crying. And laughing. But grunting and panting? Maybe constipation level, but not childbirth level. I can’t profess to know what happens when a man lays some pipe in public, but women try to pretend like they are delicate when they take a public dump.

Okay, so this thin young woman who did not know she was pregnant leaves her seat to go to the restroom, drops her neonatal load in the toilet, I assume flushes at least once, followed by hand washing, I hope, and then returns to her seat, totally unaware of what just happened. Was she not bleeding a little? Seriously, I have had two kids. You kind of bleed a little. And by a little, I mean a lot. Don’t you think she would have been, at the least, a tad messy? Don’t you think perhaps someone might have noticed that wasn’t cotton candy on the seat of her pants?

And even worse, what if you were the one who visited that bathroom after her? You know how you go down the row, looking for a stall that hasn’t been violated? The first one has pee all over the seat. The second one contains a whole unrolled wad of toilet paper and some unflushed fecal matter. And then, oh my god, is that a baby? Surely someone discovered that kid before the cleaning crew stepped in and saved the day.

Speaking of the cleaning crew, poor Edar and Marco. You know they don’t get paid enough to clean up the shit people smear all over the bowl, let alone for tying umbilical cords. Think about it, a night at the circus would bring its own kind of mess, wouldn’t it? Popcorn and peanuts all over the place, melted dippin’ dots, and handprints of cotton candy. More than one kid probably had too many corn dogs and didn’t get to the trash can on time. But to find a baby in a toilet, along with its afterbirth? Minimum wage doesn't begin to cover that.

In an admirable display of mighty whiteness, some hillbilly stepped forward and admitted he was most likely the father, which means that all this will be resolved without the help of Maury Povich. The mom looks smashing in her orange jumpsuit, and it doesn’t even show off her post pregnancy pouch. Most importantly, the baby survived, although the therapy for this kid is going to cost us all a whole bunch of tax dollars. At the very least, Barnum and Bailey should give him free circus tickets for life.