Hungry for More

Is it too late to go back and write some more about my trip to Walt Disney World? I mean, I realize I went there on vacation in November, but I didn’t want to bore you with too much Disney at once. It’s not like you were there too, or were you? I don’t remember seeing you there.

So I told you about the hotel, and I talked about the princesses. Let’s see, shall we move on to food? Why not, since there is so much to be had at WDW. You would think they had been accused of starving their patrons at some point in their past, that they have a guilt complex and are overcompensating for it now. Food is everywhere at Disney; it is its own separate attraction, and the theme is gluttony.

We stayed on Disney property when we were there, so we took advantage of the Disney dining plan, an advantage not available for those patrons who rather save money by staying at a less expensive hotel. Years ago, the dining plan was a great way to make a Disney trip closer to an all-inclusive experience. But over the course of time, the folks at Disney realized that they were probably losing money on the deal. Table service three times a day, with appetizers and desserts and non-alcoholic beverages, well, that all adds up for a family of four over the course of a week.

So they changed it to just one table service a day, then eliminated the appetizers, until it evolved into its present incarnation, which includes one table service meal, one counter service meal, and a dining plan approved snack, plus non-alcoholic drinks and desserts. I don’t think anyone needs to have dessert at lunch and dinner and follow it up with an ice cream bar for snack, but Disney doesn’t have a problem with it. It’s not just that dessert is free; they actually insist that you have it. At one meal, we all had milkshakes to drink and then ice cream sundaes for dessert. If we weren’t lactose intolerant before that meal, we sure were afterwards! Sometimes I just wanted a salad or soup before my entrée. After all, I could share one of three desserts with the rest of my family. I guess Disney finds the appetizer vs. dessert option too confusing for its mostly immigrant wait staff.

Table service doesn’t just mean table service either; it also means buffet. Disney loves some buffets. Think about it, they already corral people in line for rides and shopping. Here is another way to control the masses, having them belly up to the food troughs and slop too much on their plates before they lumber back to their tables, where the servers are ready to refill their sugary sodas cupful after cupful.

Buffet eating at Disney becomes its own show. We decided to try Oktoberfest in Germany at Epcot one night. Our waiter there was a strong purebred example of what Hitler was trying to accomplish. Time after time he strolled over to our table, proud in his lederhosen, and poured us more water from his icy pitcher before removing our dirty plates. We had a ton of them because we kept going back and trying to find something to eat that didn’t make us feel queasy. All that cabbage, schnitzel, sauerkraut, sausage, potato-ey goodness wore us down plate after plate, and finishing it off with an assortment of kuchen, linzer tarts, and other vaguely Bavarian style pastries was enough to make the four of us have to shit our way through the rest of the World showcase.

We took a day off from all you can eat before trying out another buffet, the Tusker House at Animal Kingdom. Animal Kingdom is the kind of theme park that really should consider going all vegetarian. Walking from one area to the other with the smell of barbecued meats assaulting your nose must be even worse for the animals which might recognize the odor of one of their friends (hey, isn’t that Gary? I thought he was just getting his bunions removed.) The Tusker House is unique because of its African theme, so in addition to the usual macaroni and cheese and brownies and roast beef, it also has an interesting assortment of couscous and curry and hummus and peanut based stews. I don’t know how truly African it is, but it’s better than a hamburger.

While dining there, we saw a family of four that combined could have easily tipped the scales at a ton. Watching them plow through their many courses was enough to make me put down my fork, not to mention the fact that I was still stuffed from all that German food two days ago. At one point, we saw a man walk up to the buffet line in his socks. It’s great that he felt so at home in the restaurant, don’t you agree? Someone at a table near us was celebrating a birthday, and a server who had Chaka’s hairline walked by with a cupcake with a candle in it, as if the other desserts were not special enough to be candle worthy.

With all the food you can eat at buffets or sit down, you would think that no other dining options would be needed. But no, you might get hungry for a snack in between your overeating. Everywhere you look, there were food carts…ice cream carts, popcorn carts, roasted nuts, pretzels, frozen lemonade, churros, even egg rolls. I am pretty sure there is even a phone app to help you locate what kind of food you want where in each of the parks. The most offensive ones, as far as I am concerned, are the smoked turkey leg wagons. Oh my god, the rotting corpse stench wafting out of those food carts could make a vulture’s stomach churn. And yet, everywhere you looked, overweight Americans were happily gnawing on those poor turkey shins, their faces glistening with the melted fat, as tendons and shit hung loosely off the ankle bones of the smoked legs. Vurp. Just writing about those legs is going to give me a nightmare tonight.

I would write about how Disney handles all the vomit next (it involves some sort of flavor crystals or cat litter), but I am pretty sure my sister is reading this, and she has a thing about puke. Needless to say, at some point, everyone, even at Disney, reaches their limit. Too bad more people couldn’t show some restraint before they chose to stand in an hour long line. God, I love Disney!