Miss Cue

Some people prefer to do their own work outs at the gym, but others, like me, enjoy the camaraderie of group fitness. An exercise class has an element of built in motivation, a slight sense of competition, and the added bonus of not having to think. You show up and follow an instructor who leads you through choreographed moves or intervals or positions, depending on the class, and if you are mildly coordinated and know your left from your right, you can get a pretty good workout. Of course, if you are a frequent gym class attendee, you start to know what to expect and can concentrate on other things, like what the instructors actually say to you. It keeps your mind from wandering away to your to-do list and the fight you had with your husband over breakfast. I like to pay attention because sometimes, like children, those cute little gym instructors say the darndest things.

Some classes just naturally lend themselves to better wording from the instructors than others. Take spin, for example. Cues in spin class (a stationary biking class for those of you who live under a rock) sounds dirty without trying. You’re up, you’re down, you are in the saddle, you are in different positions, you are climbing and sprinting and running and yes, by all, means, sit down and have some water, you've earned it. Sometimes you isolate, take out the bounce, and have your ass brush against the seat. Sometimes you have your arms out but your body is pulled back, with all the weight in your gluts. Your chest is up, your ass is out, and your genitals are barely making contact with the saddle, the music is loud, the room is dark. It’s like a rave in there, only without the Ecstasy.

One of my favorite instructors used to cue his class in ways that would make me giggle to myself. Instead of telling us to pull back, he would say pull out. He also would like to yell at the class, “Harder, faster! Push it hard!” and then he would grunt and moan in ways that didn’t sound like he was exercising or taking a shit. When my friend MJ and I would go to spin class together, we would snicker to each other the whole time about the things that flew out of the instructor’s mouth. Finally, one day after class, he asked us what was so funny. MJ told him that I thought everything he said in class could just as easily be said in bed. Which was pretty much the last time I ever heard him say anything remotely suggestive on the spin bike.

Pilates class is by far the best place to hear things that can be misconstrued as dirty talk. Pilates is mostly about lengthening your muscles, but it’s also about using and strengthening your core. By core, they mean your lower abdominal muscles, the ones that lost their tone about the time you took off your wedding attire. Sometimes the instructors use food cues to help you remember to contract your muscles. Pretend you are moving your arms through thick brownie batter. Pretend you are balancing a hot cup of coffee on your pubic bone. Pretend someone is dripping hot wax on your nipples. I never heard them say that last one, but it’s only a matter of time.

We used to have a Pilates instructor who referred to the perineum as the perrenium,pronounced like perennials, as if we were all planting flowers in our crotches. She was also fond of having us open our legs wide while balancing on our ass cheeks, and then she would say, "Ta da!" Last week, our instructor had us on our sides, opening and closing our thighs, and told us to “Clam it.” I ask you, how do you not laugh at that? We have another instructor who likes to use props, you know, to keep the magic alive. She brings balls with her, which we have to squeeze between our knees, or grip with our ankles, or firmly grasp in our hands. I love a class with balls. I never grow tired of laughing at the word “ball,” even in front of a group of strangers. Ball days are the best.

One instructor takes her class (and herself) very seriously, talking throughout the hour with an endless tirade on our form and weaknesses. My friend SZ and I once tried to count how many times she said "butt cheeks" over the sixty minutes. We lost count. The same teacher just came back from a Pilates conference with the best cue ever, really the final word on cues. She told us to “close our holes.” Do it right now. See? You know exactly what that means, and it’s even funnier than balls.

And if you close your holes, it makes you wonder what exactly you are trying to strengthen. I’m going with the bladder, because there is nothing more embarrassing at the gym than laughing so hard that you piss yourself.