Join the Party!

I wrote you a joke today. Wanna hear it? What do you call a room of 38 people who can’t dance? A Zumba Class!

I have now taken one and a half Zumba classes, as research for you, because that’s the kind of person I am. Zumba is to the middle aged woman of the 2000’s what Jazzercise was to the middle aged woman of the 1970’s, and by that, I mean it is a form of public humiliation akin to a vertical seizure that won’t actually make you any healthier or thinner. And by that, I mean younger.

Zumba is touted to be a fun fitness dance craze that combines a bunch of dance styles that you don’t know how to do, including some that you haven’t even heard of. An instructor with way more coordination that you leads the class, taking you through a sequence of exciting moves that you are genetically unable to mimic, all set to music that is a mélange of Latin, tropical, and African beats and rhythms, none of which you will be able to identify. It will remind you of Gloria Estefan, The Gypsy Kings, or Jose Feliciano, but you won’t recognize any of it. You won’t even recognize the lyrics, except for the word Zumba, which, I hate to break it to you, isn’t even a real word.

But who cares, because it’s fun, right? That kind of depends on your definition of fun. Are you a true one-of-a-kind individual? Do you like to dance to the beat of your own drummer? Do you like to surround yourself with other people who also are dancing to their own beat? What if some of those people are dancing off-beat? Do you like that?

If so, then come on in, there’s room for you in Zumba, right next to the one old white man who is wearing black socks and a knee brace. He’s been so lonely since his wife died, but look at him now! Look at how he swivels his hips, hips which have yet to see a fracture! He’s not afraid of looking stupid, no-sir-ee. He’s got the moves to help him meet the next Mrs. Right, that special someone to hold his hand and eventually wipe his mouth and ass. And what self-confidence, to be the only man in a sea of mostly post-menopausal women! Those are some big balls, my friend, even if they do dangle down to the bottom of his gym shorts.

Maybe you haven’t tried Zumba yet because you are intimidated by trying to learn a complicated dance routine. It’s so much to remember, and what fun is that? No worries, because there are no instructions! That’s right. Your so-called “instructor” doesn’t explain any of the moves to you, nor does she cue what is coming next. She just dances, and hopefully you will follow along. If you don’t, too bad, maybe you’ll get it the next time around. She is on a roll, and there ain’t no stopping her now. So you better hope you can see her from where you are standing. If you forgot your contacts or get trapped behind the tubby woman in the visor, you can forget it. You are lost, and you will remain so. Don’t get mad, though, Gilligan, just try to pick a person near you that looks like she knows what she is doing and imitate her. The only person who can really do any of the moves is the instructor, and she isn’t going to share her secrets. So it’s okay to fake it. This isn’t an orgasm or anything, it’s just Zumba!


Will you burn calories? Of course, how can you not? After all, you can burn calories while you sleep, and this is much more interactive than sleeping, unless you are an extraordinarily restless sleeper. Don’t you burn more calories eating celery than the celery actually contains? You might not burn off that Pop-tart you stuffed down in the car on the way to the gym, but you will certainly use up the pack of Splenda in your Venti soy latte. Good for you! With all those dramatic arm movements, hip thrusts, toe taps, and jump steps, you are getting leaner by the minute. You’ll be ready for Carnival in Rio in no time, or maybe your nephew’s bar mitzvah. What could make him prouder than his aunt doing the stanky leg with the rabbi?

What are you waiting for? Grab your wrist bands, put on your free t-shirt from the blood drive, and head to the nearest senior community center or church basement. Somewhere, when you least expect it, a Zumba class is about to begin. Don’t miss it. Just be sure to take a shot of something before you get there. Drinking water is encouraged, but alcohol, not so much. You would think that a few sips of a nice Chablis or tequila would get the crowd moving, maybe even make them more coordinated, but most places that are open for business in the morning frown upon alcohol before noon.

So be prepared, because that old man next to you might drop down on one knee, and not just because his heart gave out.