Will Work for Food

Remember when companies used to advertise by sandwich boards? Me neither. It was a concept way before my time, but I recall seeing people pacing a side walk in front of a restaurant in an old black and white movie or two. I assume that having a live person walking the street to market your business wasn’t very cost-effective, so gradually, over time, less and less people would stand on the streets.

In their place came a new age of signage and advertising. Bigger and brighter billboards and neon signs in front of restaurants. More ads in newspapers and magazines than articles. More commercials on television and radios than programs or music. Advertising leaked over the back of bathroom stall doors, free t-shirts at charity events, and even product placement in movies. With the invention and popularity of the Internet came a whole new era of advertising, from spam email to pop-up ads and even ad and spy ware. It seems today you can’t even take a shit without some company wanting to sponsor it.

With this constant barrage of marketing and the amount spent on ads, you would think that the little guy would miss out on his piece. But lately, that’s not the case. As the bad economy stays bad, and as sales stay low, businesses are more eager than ever to show themselves in a new light while creating new jobs. Yes, my fellow Americans, we are on the verge of a new era, a throwback to happier, simpler times: the age of the street hawker.

A street hawker is one of those ass clowns you see on the street corners advertising businesses. Lately, everywhere I drive, I see some poor shlub standing outside, braving the elements in order to entice me to eat at Moe’s or get my checks cashed for a nominal fee at some establishment other than a bank. Every weekend, the street corners are practically littered with them, leaving barely enough room for the vagrants and panhandlers.

These jobs have got to pay less than minimum wage since practically no skill set is required other than standing, sitting, and occasionally breathing and waving. Think about it. If you are standing out in the rain, wearing an anorak you snagged at the Goodwill and holding up a sign for an unfinished wood furniture store, you pretty much have hit rock bottom. You've used up all your second chances.

And it’s not like I see one or two such individuals out there on any given day, camped in their portable chairs with the going out of business signs propped against their legs. It is literally every time I drive anywhere, my town, the suburbs, near the mall, in a bigger city. They don’t entice me to buy anything, although I do enjoy tootling my horn at the Chick-Fil-A cow. Mostly, they just make me feel sad for them, these people whose lives clearly did not turn out the way they expected.

Sometimes, you can see the disappointment on that person’s face, as he or she stands on a street corner, chain smoking cigarettes while letting you know it’s 2 for 1 night at the Lenny’s Sub Shop. Other times, the sign person is overly enthusiastic, like the dude outside Verizon, moon walking on the turn lane median. Once I even saw someone sporting a rainbow clown wig. Can you think of a less effective marketing tool than a rainbow clown wig?

But my favorite street hawkers are the ones in costumes. On my last visit to Atlanta, I was surprised and delighted to see a larger than life leprechaun offering to buy up unwanted gold.

“Is that a leprechaun on the side of the road?” I asked my sister, who sat next to me in the car.

“I believe so,” she replied, less shocked than I. She must see him every day. My leprechaun encounters are generally confined to the boxes of Lucky Charms at the grocery store as opposed to standing outside of one.

Both in my town and in Atlanta I have seen ecstatic women dressed as the Statue of Liberty, standing outside of a tax preparer’s office. They are dancing and carrying on, even though no music is playing outside of their own heads. Obviously, I don’t remember the tax office name, only the crack whore standing in front of it, so as a marketing ploy, it didn’t work, now did it? But those Statues of Liberty? Whoo, I can’t forget them! They dance and smile and wave like this is the best job ever. And maybe it is since it doesn’t involve sucking a dick for some rock.

I don't know a single person who ever decided to stop and do business based on a street hawker. They certainly make driving around more interesting, especially since driving while texting is so frowned upon. But don't think for a minute that I don't point out each and every one of those individuals to my children as a reminder to do well in school. Except for the Chick-Fil-A cow. Who doesn't want to be a cow when they grow up?