Trash Talk

What’s the deal with people throwing trash on the side of the road? Every day I see a new bag of garbage abandoned on a curb or tossed in a lane on the highway. South Carolina used to be known for the amount of road kill left to ferment on the road ways. Lately, garbage bags are giving flattened opossums a run for their money. I do occasionally see the detention center suckers in their bright orange jumpsuits cleaning it up, with the port-a-potty on a wagon behind them. They aren't able to keep up with the mess the so-called law abiders are making.

I understand that the cost of trash pick-up is ridiculously high. I too have to suck it up for my quarterly Waste Management bill, with its fuel surcharge fees and recycling fees and landfill fees. Remember when the fuel surcharges were added? I do. Gas was at an all time high, and what were companies like the airlines and the garbage collectors going to do? They passed the expense on to us, the consumers, as a fuel surcharge, and they made it look like it was a temporary thing, until fuel prices stabilized and we could go back to the normal rates. Well, I don’t know about you, but I am no longer paying over four dollars at the pump. But my fuel surcharge goes right on, more regular than the trash collection itself.

I don’t like it, but I accept it as part of being an adult. We have to pay for a place to live. We need electricity to run appliances in our homes. We need a form of transportation to get us from work and school and the occasional trip to the movies. And like it or not, we all make garbage and have to pay someone to haul it off for us. Now, if you choose to do it yourself, that’s great. Just make sure it actually makes it to the landfill. The road two blocks away from your shitty house, by the way, is not the landfill. It is the route I take twice a day to and from my daughter’s school, and I am tired of looking at your empty potato chip bags and pizza boxes. Ever hear of a vegetable? Try a little variety in your diet, for G-d’s sake.

The bag of trash that I pass daily never stays a bag for long. Like the long forgotten raccoon, it soon becomes entrails of waste strewn along the road, until a day or two later, when all that remains is a stain of what once was. Who knows what was in there? It could have been a body part or two, but now we’ll never know how close we were to catching the serial killer terrorizing our community.

Here we are, in the new century, and we still have folks discarding their rubbish like it is the Middle Ages. Remember back then, when everyone chucked their chamber pot swill and potato peelings and dead rats out on the muddy streets? Women wore long skirts that acted as mops for the gutters, swirling around in the muck before dragging it all back indoors. Well, I am pretty sure we attempt a more sanitary approach to waste disposal now, except for you, garbage infidel. I don’t want to drive my Volvo through your mess any more than I do my bullocks cart. Egads! We will all get the pox from thine waste, if thoust doesn’t tidy up a bit. Does thou havest a reason for disposing of your refuse in such manner? Pray, think of the children!

And another thing, enough with your cigarette butts being tossed out the windows. I just know it’s the same people. I bet you are the same fuckers who throw a pillow case full of kittens off a bridge too. I am very tempted at the next red light to get out of my car, pick up your filthy lipstick or gingivitis tinged cigarette tip, and chuck it back through your window, while screaming, “Oops! I think you dropped something!”

I am so over the dirty roadways. I don’t take a shit on your living room floor, so stop throwing your tampon wrappers and hamburger helper on my streets. As you can see, your mess is pushing some of us over the edge. The next time I hit another garbage bag on the interstate and papers go flying, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Not that I would do anything about it, other than grumble under my breath while I drive past. But in my head, it’s epic.