Doggy Style

We all have needs. We need to eat, to rest, to feel safe, and to be loved. And as much as some people like deny it, we all have physical needs, sexual needs. Even chihuahuas.

My friend JR has a matching pair of black and white chihuahuas which shake and piss their way all over her house. They bark at the door bell and at men, pee on the floor , and strut around on their back feet before they settle down on the lap of the cat person (me) in the room, shedding only the white hairs all over that person’s (mine) clothes. If that person (me again) makes the mistake of making direct eye contact, the chihuahuas will dart their little tongues out and try to touch that person’s (mine) with theirs.

But sometimes, french kissing guests is not enough to satisfy the urges of one of the little dogs. While Bella, the more reserved and graceful of the two, prefers quality time reclining on JR’s pillow, Sprout, the more googly-eyed one, likes to get her freak on. Her unassuming partner is a Jewish dog toy, which I will a minute to describe. It is a blue plush dachshund shaped stuffed animal, but more generic dog-like than breed specific. He sports a little yarmulke and is clutching a dreidel in his front paws, while his back paws hang stunted and useless like flippers. He is about the length of Sprout’s torso, or at least from her front paws to her little puta nut. Sprout doesn’t just like her toy, she LOVES it. In fact, it is her lover.

JR has told me before about the intense chihuahua-dog toy lovemaking sessions that take place on her upstairs sectional sofa, but the other night, I was lucky enough to witness it for myself. JR and I were having a lovely time, sipping a little red wine and engaging in thoughtful conversation. Sprout was shaking happily on my lap. Then, we had a break in the discussion, and one of us (me) suggested that Sprout put on a show for us. A sex show. JR wasn’t interested in walking upstairs to get the nasty toy, but after I pleaded with her, she begrudgingly fetched it (ha!) for the dog.

Now, Sprout, like most ladies, doesn’t go from cold to hot without a little foreplay. To get her in the mood, JR had to toss the lover toy across the room a few times for Sprout to fetch and shake about before she was ready to get down to business. When Sprout had enough of the toy playing hard to get, she positioned it under her belly and kind of grabbed it with her one front paw in an awkward embrace. The other paw was on the couch for leverage, and Sprout tentatively gave the toy a hump or two. Getting everything just right isn’t easy for Sprout since she doesn’t have thumbs, so this step took a while. It was a delicate dance.

When the stars aligned and the mood was right, Sprout knew she was ready to power drive that toy. She wedged it up against her little Mexican jumping bean and started humping and grinding unabashedly. She went from pelvic thrusting to violent bouncing. Seriously, the whole couch moved. Being the pervs we are, JR and I sat and watched in sheer delight, with JR breaking the tension to ponder whether Sprout even has a magic button. The whole thing was over before we knew it, with Sprout’s little bulgy eyes showing her contentment while she snuggled into JR’s skirts. “It helps her sleep,” JR said. “It helps everyone sleep,” I replied.

We tried to interest Sprout in another toy, but without much luck. JR teased her a bit with a skunk road kill toy, which Sprout started to eat out, much to our amusement. But then, it was right back to the blue boy toy. After a brief rest, Sprout was ready to have another go, and before long, she was happily jack hammering away. Sprout didn’t throw back her head and howl or bark or anything, so it was hard to tell if she had a happy ending or just lost interest, but again, she rested and cuddled when she was finished abusing that disgusting thing.

“Dude,” I said to JR, “you gotta put that shit on YouTube.” I left soon after since JR and I didn’t really know what to say to each other after that. I think we both felt a little dirty. But Sprout slept the sleep of the innocent, without a care in the world.