Clearing the Air

Congratulate me, we have a new addition to the household. Its name is the Blue Air 601 B Purifying System, and it looks like a giant computer. Not giant like a NASA mainframe circa 1960’s, but bigger than the one hiding under your desk.

Honestly, I don’t really know what it does or why it is here. I should know, because I am sure my husband told me all about it, on more than one occasion. But like a family dog, I don’t hear all the words, only the ones that involve something related to me: Blah blah blah (my name) blah blah blah (food) blah blah(chocolate) blah blah (30 Rock is coming on). So I am sure we had multiple conversations about the Blue Air 601B Purifying System, which involved a lot of blah blah and ended with me saying, “Sure honey, go ahead and order it.”

I didn’t remember me saying that until the Fed Ex guy showed up with a box that I couldn’t lift. He was kind enough to bring it in the house, much nicer than the way he normally leaves things in a puddle on the one side of the house we never look at, only to find it at such a late date we feel like we are unveiling a time capsule. The box was big and heavy, and it sat on the floor of my den for a few days with the cats perched atop it like gargoyles until my husband removed its many outer casings.

The Blue Air 601 B Purifying System is now a regular member of the family. It moves easily from room to room on its quiet casters, and you never know where the little imp will turn up. Well, it is easily moved, but it does not move freely from room to room. Rather, it is placed in various locations in the house by my spouse. But I am not convinced. During the day, while the kids are at school, it hangs out in one of their rooms. The other day, I saw it out of the corner of my eye while I was taking a shower. One night it was in the bonus room with me while I watched TV. I didn’t hear it laugh, but nothing good was on anyway, so I wasn’t laughing either. Last night, I found it with its back to me against my bedroom wall like it had been put in time out, no doubt for spying on the rest of the family.

I am pretty sure it is supposed to be cleaning the air in the house, “filtering” or something along those lines, since we all have annoying allergies. It has a HEPA filter, I am told, which I think means something better than it won’t share my medical records without my consent, and it is expensive, so it must be good. But that’s the thing. How do I know it is doing a good job? How do I know it is doing anything? When I run my dryer, I can empty the lint trap and know it did its job. The dish washer leaves spots all over the glasses, so I know it ran. But with the Blue Air 601B Purifying System, it is a leap of faith. A $499 leap of faith. So far the only thing it cleaned out is my discretionary fund. Hell, it couldn’t even clean up after itself when it moved in.

I am hopeful that at some point in the near future my husband will violate the Blue Air 601B Purifying System by removing its filter and showing me how dirty the air was but isn’t anymore, and aren’t we glad it came to live with us? It had better look like one of those Takara detox foot pads when he does, or else I am going to demand its return. Or at the very least, that it wait until I am done showering before coming in the bathroom.