Fly on the Wall

I am sitting in a Starbucks right now near Bob Jones University. If you aren’t familiar with BJU, which is one of the best abbreviations ever, you are really missing out. It’s a religious institution that indoctrinates from preschool all the way to masters degrees. I hesitate to call it an educational institution because it doesn’t really follow the mainstream idea of book learning, like science and history, but they do have an impressive collection of artwork stolen by Nazis and a pretty good music program.

This particular Starbucks is a goldmine for eavesdroppers. Being so close to BJU means a lot of students or professors or religious nuts hang out here or use it as a meeting place. The rest of the patrons at this time of day are hipsters who are too lazy to drive downtown. I am almost out of place as a patron.  I came here this late afternoon to write, and I am, but not what I had intended, because  I am too distracted by a conversation taking place at a table diagonal from me to concentrate on anything else.

Almost every table is occupied with chit chat, and there’s an odd mix of music is blaring overhead. It’s a challenge to hear all of their exchange, but believe me, I am trying. If I could pull up a chair and transcribe the whole thing, I would.

When I first settled at my table, a white man in his mid-fifties sat at that table near mine. He looked like a typical BJU kind of guy with his slightly graying Ken doll haircut and khaki Members Only jacket. He didn’t order a drink; instead, he kept looking around, standing up and peering out the side door, and sitting back down. Finally, he received a phone call from someone who was having trouble locating the Starbucks, so he was trying to give directions. The person was at the strip mall in the same parking lot, but still didn’t know how to locate the Starbucks.

That was odd enough on its own; who doesn’t know a Starbucks when they see one? The answer is someone who isn’t American.

The gentleman who came in to meet the white guy is African. They shook hands and sat across from each other. The white guy tried to explain what Starbucks is, how they make all kinds of coffee, how expensive the drinks are, and how he doesn’t like it here. The African didn’t understand coffee and decided not to try any.

White guy explained his credentials. From what I heard, he has three master’s degrees in religion, one in divinity, one in theology, and one in whatever is left. He is apparently a “professor” at BJU and has worked in the past as a missionary.  The African said that he too has a degree, although he now works at the airport. It became very apparent that they had a bit of a language barrier to work through together. White guy addressed it in the usual American way, by talking louder.

They began a conversation that sounded a bit like an interview, with White guy doing all the asking. White guy asked about his family. He wanted to know if he was married, then if it was an arranged marriage (yes). He asked about his father and how many wives his father had (2). He also wanted to know how many children his father had (16), and which one he was in birth order (4). The African said he had a twin that still lived in Liberia, which White guy called Libya for the rest of the conversation. White guy wanted to know if anyone in the family had AIDS, which I thought was a rather personal question. It didn’t matter to the African, because he didn’t know what White guy was talking about. White guy spelled it out loudly over and over, A-I-D-S, but alas, spelling English acronyms didn’t clarify the question.

The conversation then turned to what kind of work he did in Libya, which was really Liberia.  There was some discussion about harvesting, and White guy couldn’t figure out what was harvested. It was wool. He sheared sheep, but he doesn’t know the English word “shear.” White guy talked louder, trying to explain what the English words are for what the African man was describing. I still couldn’t really tell why they were meeting.

Then White guy got down to business. He wanted to know what religion the African was. When he said he was Muslim, White guy asked all about how he prayed. Did he go to the mosque every day? (Yes) Did he pray five times a day? (Yes)  How long does it take?  (30 minutes)  White guy took a turn describing how he prays. He gets up every morning at 6:30 and reads the bible and prays until 8. At night, before going to sleep, he and his wife read the bible together and pray together. Every Sunday, they go to church and pray and listen to the preacher and sing their praise to God.

The African wanted to know what a bible was. That was one of my favorite parts. White guy explained it was like the Christian Quran. It went like this: he pointed to the African and said “Quran” and then pointed to himself and said “Bible” over and over, at least ten times.  The African asked if it was the same as being a Mormon, because he knows a guy who is a Mormon and it sounds like the same kind of thing. White guy got louder and turned a little red in the face. He stressed that “we think that is a false religion” repeatedly, and then tried to explain the kinds of real religions that exist. It went in this order: Christian, Roman Catholicism, Muslims, Hindus, and then Mormons, which is a false religion. He followed that with another interesting statement, “the largest religion in the world is Christianity.”

I couldn’t see the African’s face, but I wonder if he rolled his eyes. I also noticed White guy never mentioned Judaism as a real religion.

A Starbucks employee called out that they messed up two drinks if anyone wanted them for free. The counter was rushed by cheapskates.

White guy then needed to know what kind of Muslim he was, Shiite or Sunni. The African had never heard of either, which meant White guy had to work hard to explain the difference, which basically was that they had different names, and he spelled them repeatedly for clarification. Through piecing together the types of Muslims in other countries, White guy could discern that the African is Sunni. It was not clear why he needed this information.

Unfortunately, at this point, White guy said his time was up and he had to leave. They shook hands and bid each other safe travels. The meeting abruptly ended.

At no point could I figure out why they met, what the nature of this conversation was, or why they picked Starbucks as a meeting spot if neither drank coffee. As much as I wanted to understand, I’ll never know. I didn’t hear them make arrangements to meet again, so I couldn’t exactly put it in my calendar and plan to coincidentally seat myself at a table right before they arrived. So many unanswered questions.

I’m not passing judgment on White guy or the African or even the Starbucks employee who messed up someone’s order. I merely observed and recorded to the best of my ability. Did I mention I heard two Earth, Wind, and Fire songs playing in the hour they talked with each other? Or that I ordered a chai latte when I meant to get an Oprah cinnamon chai latte because it has less calories but I hate to order it because I refuse to say Oprah’s name every time I want a goddamn cinnamon chai latte? Or that it is very clear that the line between beard and clean shaven in this Starbucks corresponds with the association to BJU?

There are worse ways to kill a couple of hours.

No Thank You

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I am still trying to make sense of this holiday. In the past few years, people used Facebook as a platform to show their gratitude for all the good things they appreciate. It was almost annoying, all those #blessed people humble-bragging, not because I was jealous, but more because they seemed so trite. This year, I kind of missed all the thanking. I am still wondering where all the thankfulness has gone, and why. I have come to a conclusion that makes me sad.

This year, we have replaced gratitude with fear.

The world has had its share of tragedy over the past month. Terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut. Boko Haram wreaking havoc in African nations. Distrust of the police on one side and protesters on the other. And shootings. All the shootings.

It’s difficult to know if it is as bad as it sounds or if the media is just putting a negative spin on the state of the world. We used to live with hope. We used to try to see the glass half-full. We used to believe we could make our world a better place. Honestly, I worry for my children and the future, not for their personal safety, but because this gloom and doom view that is so pervasive leaves everyone feeling depressed.

Frankly, we are afraid of the wrong things. What is the chance you are going to be the victim of a terror attack? Are you really concerned about being shot by the police? Do you think that Syrian refugees are on their way to destroy the American dream?

 

 When you live in fear, you become the victim you were afraid of being. The level of fear we live under is killing more than joy. It clouds our judgment. It jaundices our world view. It ramps up everyone’s anxiety, but also their anger.

When we get over being scared, we switch to anger. We don’t want to feel this way. We want someone to blame. The cops. The terrorists. The refugees. The politicians. The media. And each other.

I have to work at optimism. It doesn't happen organically. I realize my life is pretty damn good, and I sweat the small stuff regularly. I am fighting the blues that all this bad news brings. I try to make do with cat videos and weird news stories, to find something to make me smile on a grey and hopeless day.

Here’s a thought I’ve been stuck with: I kind of wish everyone was a reform Jew. Working on being the best person you can be. Treating others with kindness and tolerance. Taking care of the world around us. There’s a whole lot of good going on there, and not so much of the condemnation that’s prevalent in other beliefs and religions.

I look at my husband, who thinks organized religion is the cause of most of the world’s problems, and I think he’s onto something. The terrorists kill because they want the destruction of Israel and western Judeo-Christian values. People don’t want refugees because they are Muslims and therefore potential terrorists. Americans forget what American values are, and Christians lose sight of Jesus’ message of love. That doesn’t even take into consideration the eastern religions, but even the Buddhists are attacking Hindus.

How do you stay positive?  I try to focus on my daughters with their lives ahead of them. My children, all children, are the future. We are giving them a world where active shooter drills go along with fire drills and tornado drills. We are giving them a world where they are scared of the police, not because they don’t want to get in trouble, but because they don’t want to die. We are giving them a world where a peach doesn’t taste like summer anymore and delicate flaky flounder is rarely on the menu. We are giving them a world where they need to decide their careers before they even hit puberty and must compete against each other for a college degree they can’t afford.

I don’t have any answers, just observations. I’d like to see our politicians care about more than elections. I’d like to see food, medicine, and insurance be less about profit and more about people. It’d be great if we can stop expanding and consuming and exploiting. We could all do with a little less voicing our opinions and a little more self-reflecting. How about we do a little less hating and a little more loving. It’s worth a try, because what we are doing now sure isn’t working for us.

Coexist Much?

Well, the kids have been back in school for less than a week, and already, religious intolerance is rearing its ugly head. Normally it takes a few weeks of getting to know each other before the teenagers let their true colors show, but when your true colors are patterned like a confederate flag, well, I guess you feel entitled to show them to everyone.

My family lives in the South, and like many southern communities, the majority of the residents in my town are church affiliated. Christianity here is bigger than college football, which is almost a religion of its own. And when I say Christianity, I really mean evangelicals, those lovely fundamentalists who feel the need to convert or condemn anyone who does not share their beliefs. They do an excellent job of indoctrinating their children with the righteousness and entitlement they feel that comes from their personal relationship with their lord and savior.

I’m not judging them. Everyone is free to believe and practice what feels right, as long as it doesn’t infringe on the next person’s set of beliefs. That’s where it gets a little hazy for some folks.

My younger daughter is in 8^th grade. She has been no stranger to the horrible comments lots of Jewish kids hear. Nothing makes the momma bear in me come out faster than having another kid tell mine that she is going to burn in hell because she is Jewish, but no matter how big the stink I make, another kid will step up to take a turn.  Since 8^th grade is her last year of middle school, most of the kids who know her already know she is a Jew and have shared their prophesy with her, leaving them free to aim it at someone else who isn’t white or Christian.

One of her good friends happens to be Muslim, and she began wearing a hijab this year. It was a very personal decision for her friend, who up til now had not covered her head even when her twin sister chose to a few years ago. These girls, who were born in the US and are therefore as American as the rednecks who harass them, have had to deal with terrorist jokes for their entire middle school experience. They have always risen above the comments and display a level of maturity and confidence that shows more about their religious beliefs then the so-called Christian students. One kid asked S’s friend why she started covering her head. She didn’t answer hi since it was none of his business, so he followed it up with asking if she was a Muslim. When she told him yes, he wanted to know if that meant she was from Islam. She looked at him with what I hope was as much judgment as he showed her and said, I was born right here in this city.

If it were me, I would have said yes. Yes, I am from Islam, you oblivious piece of crap. I happen to know for a fact that the seventh grade social studies classes were required to learn all the countries and maps of the world. I wonder where this future McDonald’s employee thinks Islam is located.

Meanwhile, over at the high school, my older daughter, E, was having her own religious experience. She has a much different approach to her Jewish identity than her sister. She doesn’t really give a shit what anyone thinks, and she is much less likely to be polite about it. Because she is less sensitive, she gets a lot more ribbing than her sister does, which she thinks is funny. Some of it comes from her friends but she gives it back as good as she gets it, so it’s all okay for the whole lot of them.

This week it wasn’t her one of her friends that was teasing her. Some dumb freshman, according to my sophomore child, was following her and another of her friends down the hall. They were having a conversation about the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur holidays next month, and the freshman behind her asked her if she ate Ramadan because she was Jewish. Let that sink in for a minute.

E gave him a look that should have made him throw himself off a rooftop, but instead, he continued to follow her down the hall shrieking “Ramadan” at her. Finally, she turned around and yelled, “Jesus Christ, would you cut it out?” The boy immediately stopped and was truly outraged. “You know,” he said, “that’s taking it too far. I was just messing with you, but you really shouldn’t say that. It’s offensive.”

She stared at him and then screamed,” Just shut the fuck up!” The hall erupted in great boisterous laughter because someone yelled the F word. He stopped following her, and that was the end of that.

Both my daughters still tell me stuff, and they each shared these stories with me. While they aren’t really the same at all, at the core they share the same level of ignorance. These aren’t little kids. These are kids who have had at least a small amount of book learning on world geography and different religions and what happens when we don’t accept and respect one another.  Do they pay absolutely no attention to what is presented to them in class? Do they watch no news at all, either on television or the internet? Is there no discussion of different cultures in their homes?

The answer to all of those is most likely no. Intolerance is easy when you surround yourself with your own kind. You go to school and church with white Christians. You wear your bracelet or your Forever 21 shirt with crosses all over it. You might have one black friend or know one smart Asian kid, but you don’t have them over to your house. If all you see is white and Christian, you expect the whole world to be just like you.  Well guess what, even in nineteen of the United States you are becoming a minority, never mind the rest of the world, so it might be time to rethink your position.

When I hear about people feeling their religious freedoms are being suppressed, it just infuriates me. There is no war on Christmas, but there is district testing on the high holy days. Nobody asks you if you are from Bethlehem because you are Christian, but my kids get asked all the time if they can say something in Jewish and if they come from Israel. There is no official religion in our country, yet our biggest holidays celebrate the birth and death of a guy who wasn’t even Christian!

Do me a favor and stop telling my daughters they are going to burn in hell, because guess what, we don’t believe in hell, so there.