Half as Much but not Half Enough

Yesterday was my half birthday. I am forty five and a half years old. Remember when it was your half birthday when you were a kid? It seemed like the kind of thing that should call for at least half of a celebration. Maybe a cupcake, or an extra hug or at least someone remembering it was your half birthday (Happy half birthday to my sister LM, whose half birthday was a mere four days ago). I’m not the only one who feels that way; if you don’t believe me, mosey on over to Pinterest. Now that I’m, well, more middle-aged, maybe it’s the sort of thing I don’t need to announce to the world, even if I am writing about it now and thus, essentially, announcing it to the world.

Instead, this half birthday of mine will be used to sort of reflect on the past half year, to check in with myself and see how I’m doing. After all, this is my twelfth of the twelve blogs of Christmas, and a little recap isn’t such a bad thing.

For the past few years, I have set myself a goal of writing twelve blog posts for the holidays, allowing myself from the beginning of December until roughly Epiphany, January 6, to complete this task. It isn’t as easy as it sounds, if it does sound easy, and if it does, you are either extremely prolific or extremely misinformed. I generally write 1000 words or so per post, so twelve posts is 12,000 words, because math. 12,000 words is roughly a children’s chapter book or a good chunk of a slim novel, so it isn’t a small amount of writing. It’s no month in the life of a James Patterson or a Stephen King, mind you, but chances are the likes of them aren’t in charge of all the holiday preparations in their house. Just a wild guess, but I bet I’m right.

In addition to trying to write 12,000 words in a month, I also plan celebrations for both Hanukkah and Christmas. That means I do all the planning, shopping, cooking, wrapping, and giving for two big holidays that occur roughly at the same time. If you think the holidays are overwhelming on their own, try coming up with twelve different topics describe and share at the same time. Nobody asks me do this, and even sadder, nobody pays me to do this. I put this on myself. I am the one who turns a fun little hobby into a stressor.

This year was different, though. This year, in addition to the two big holidays, and the relatively minor New Year’s celebration (because, let’s face it, I am not twenty five and in love, so who cares about New Year’s Eve, I just want to get some rest for fuck’s sake), I also planned and hosted my younger daughter’s bat mitzvah and mourned the loss of my mother in law. That is a whole lot on one plate. Shit, a platter couldn’t hold that buffet of stress, both happy and sad.

So, I am reflecting on all of this, right now, more for me than for you. Maybe you would like to reflect too. Just pretend it’s your half birthday, and join me.

·         I am pretty good at what I do. I don’t have a job outside of my house. I do, however, have almost all the jobs inside the house, except for the home repairs. I tackle these jobs regularly and repeatedly. They are mostly thankless, but honestly, if I didn’t do them seamlessly, everyone would notice. I run a tight ship, whatever the hell that means. I don’t know much about sailing, but I do know what is for dinner tonight and how much milk we have and whether we have enough food for the cats and the hamster. I know when the last load of laundry was completed and when the next will be started. I know who hasn’t done the homework, and I also know that we have plenty of white poster boards, paint, and glue sticks in case we have an emergency project. I know all the things in the house. If you can’t find it, come to me. I know exactly where it is, even if I haven’t seen it in two years.

·         All of the family’s health needs are current. No one needs any prescriptions. All the doctor’s visits have been either completed or scheduled. If there are runny noses, I have plenty of Sudafed, Mucinex, and Kleenex to cover them. I maintain a complete pharmacy at all times, and almost none of it is expired.

·         My daughter’s bat mitzvah was a beautiful thing. She was amazing, and her day was amazing. She had exactly what she wanted. I did not exceed my budget. I loved all my guests for attending, and I understood those who couldn’t be there. I enjoyed the day, no matter how stressful the days leading up to it.

·         I am glad my mother in law is at peace. I have been making dinner for my father in law several days a week since she has passed, and he has been joining us at our table. He gets out of his house, even if I don’t really like him driving. I love to have him over. He sees us as we are, discussing politics, history, whatever odd topic comes up at the dinner table. I am giving my children a gift in this time with their grandfather. We put down our cell phones, we turn off the television, and we are a family, like an old fashioned one, only without the pearls and post dinner cigar, and yes, with the occasional F word. My younger daughter burped last night in front of him, my southern father in law. He is part of the family, and she is comfortable to be a person, and he laughed and was okay with all of it.

·         I need to learn to stop setting crazy ass goals for myself like writing 12,000 words in a month and a half. Seriously, why did I even come up with that in the first place? Why not the 8 blogs of Hanukkah? Isn’t that good enough? Isn’t any of it good enough? Writing is not my career. It is something I do that makes me happy, when I have or make time for my happiness. I shouldn’t allow it to become a chore, unless I start to do it for money, in which case let me add it to the to-do list. It is very difficult to know when to set big goals, and when to give yourself a break. I need to work on that.

Don’t worry about me. I have plenty to keep me busy now that the holidays and the bat mitzvah are over. Don’t feel like you need to give me a call and ask me to do anything else, no matter how small or how much I like you. I don’t want to do more. My new goal is to do the right amount, and hopefully I will figure out what that is.

Deck the Whitewalls

Is anybody else a little tired of seeing cars adorned for the holidays? I mean, seriously, the peer pressure we face from our neighbors is bad enough, but now we have to decorate our cars too? What happened to automobiles being used for transportation? I appreciate the need for a bumper sticker, but this whole one-up-manship holiday competition has to stop.

My husband prefers an understated elegance when it comes to bedecking our house. A nice wreath, maybe some garland around the door with small white lights. Occasionally he might add a strand or two of colored lights around the banisters leading to the front door, but other than that, we don’t go all out. Not like the neighbors across the street. They have no less than five holiday inflatables bobbing around their massive front lawn, which tend to overshadow the life-sized nativity scene near their garage. This year they have a two story Santa and a two story snowman, which face plant in the lawn every morning like they went on a bender the night before. Oh, I forgot to mention the icicle lights, the ones that they have a rented cherry picker truck put up the day after Thanksgiving. Compared to them, it’s like we aren’t even trying. I'm waiting for the year they fly in people from Bethlehem to enact a living nativity for the whole month of December. I wouldn't put it past them.

In my sister’s old neighborhood, their neighbors also employed a cherry picker to put the lights all over their house, and I do mean all over their house. When we would visit them over the holidays, none of us could go to sleep. The amount of light coming off that house mimicked high noon. I don’t know how they slept inside their own house, unless they used eye masks or black out curtains. We get it, you love Christmas. And exorbitant power bills. Now use a fucking dimmer switch. We need sunglasses to eat dinner inside.

Some people really go all out with their houses, but it just isn’t enough for them. They have to decorate their vehicles too. Again, like home decorations, it started simply. A stylish wreath adorning a grill, or perhaps a bright red bow. That morphed into the Rudolph the red nosed reindeer car decoration. I will describe this to you in case you live under a rock. It involves a big red pompom for the grill and two antlers which attach to the front windows. Bingo! Instant car reindeer. That gave way to the elf decoration, which had a peppermint candy for the grill and elf ears for the windows. The variation of that is a wrapped candy for the grill and candy canes for the windows. Next came actual lights wrapped around luggage racks, or even garland and lights to embellish the top of the soccer mom SUV.

The more religious folks fought back against the car decoration commercialism, creating car magnets that reminded all the other drivers that “Jesus is the reason for the season” and to “Keep the Christ in Christmas.” I have yet to see a baby Jesus stuck to the grill of a Ford F150, but I’m sure the mobile manger automobile set is just a year or two away.

Enough already. When does it stop? I get road rage now when I see these vehicles in all their holiday splendor. I take joy in seeing the stray antler lying in the road, or a car driving around with just one elf ear. One day, I am going to snap and steal all the antlers and red noses I can find, and then put them all on my car. You’ll see me rolling with twenty antlers on my windows and a cluster of red pompoms on the grill like freaking war trophies.

Or maybe, instead, I’ll create car decorations for some of the other holidays. How about a red heart and little Cupid’s wings for Valentine’s Day? Or a rainbow that stretches over the top of the car, and the back of a leprechaun splatted on the grill? Easter could be bunny ears and buck teeth. Arbor Day could have a giant acorn for the grill and branches for the windows. With every holiday, I could market another ridiculous car ornament. A purple heart for Veteran’s Day. A turkey waddle for Thanksgiving. A stovepipe hat and a beard for President’s Day.  I just might be onto something here.

Until I get that operation up and running, you better guard your antlers and red noses, because I have a dream, and that dream involves hunting your minivan deer down and poaching it for its parts. Or better yet, stop decorating everything. Stick to your houses and your sweaters and your light up necklaces and stop littering the road with oversized fake candy and car antlers. Let’s leave our roadways to cigarette butts and empty beer bottles the way it was meant to be.

Son of the Twelve Blogs of Christmas

It’s that time of year again, when I treat myself to an extra helping of stress. Some of you are busy fretting over planning the perfect Christmas, or at least a passable Hanukah.  Some of you are just now recovering from your Thanksgiving overindulgence, and some of you are still working your way through Halloween candy.  A few of you might even care about making New Year’s Eve plans. That’s four or five holidays all packed together in just a matter of a few short months. What were those pagans and early Judeo-Christian types thinking??  In my house, we like to sandwich the holidays with birthdays in November and January, just to add to the nonstop party rock in the house. Whee!

I’m no Martha Stewart; in fact, I’ve never built an empire on doing everything better than you and then going to prison. But I do like to outdo myself in some arenas. I take pride in baking. I excel at gift giving. I make my daughters’ birthdays a holiday to celebrate their births, much like Christmas is for Jesus. And I will challenge you to a snowflake cut a thon any day of the week.

I might make it look easy, but truth be told, it’s a lot of work. I have been known to wake up at five in the morning to think about the best place to find junior pajama bottoms in tall sizes. I have a mental list on loop in my head that includes chocolate chips and shirt boxes.  I organize my present receipts by date and cross reference them by recipient. There’s not a lot of rest and relaxation going on.

In addition to trying to do everything, which we all know is impossible yet can’t stop ourselves from trying, I want to write too. Normally, I find time on a monthly basis to knock out about four essays. The holiday season is all about excess, though, so why not aim high?

Thus, I present to you, the reader, the Third Annual Twelve Blogs of Christmas.  Between sometime near the beginning of December and the arbitrary date of Epiphany, like that means anything to me, I will attempt to find twelve blog worthy topics and write about them. Will they all be fascinating? No. Will they all make you laugh? Not necessarily. I can’t promise you entertainment, joy, poignancy, or insight. I’m only promising twelve.

 It’s my gift to you, because I care. And it's free.