What's Cookin'?

If you don’t know what to make for dinner tonight, you could making what I’m making, grilled Greek chicken pitas with homemade tzatziki sauce. It used to be one of everyone’s favorite meals, until my tween, S, was sick one night and the smell of the grilled chicken made her want to throw up. It doesn’t smell bad, really, unless you are sick or something. Plus, it’s so easy to make, it practically makes itself.

I always start by marinating my chicken. I buy boneless chicken breasts and then cut them in half horizontally so that they are “cutlets.” The thinner chicken pieces will cook faster and more evenly. Plus, have you looked at the size of the chicken breasts you can buy at the grocery store these days? These chickens shouldn’t be endorsed by Paula Deen; they should have Dolly Parton on the packages. Seriously, I don’t know how chickens strut around and peck with those giant titties throwing them off balance. They must look even more awkward in heels. You don’t need that much breast meat. Seriously, more than a handful is too much. A serving size should be roughly the size of your palm.

Anyway, I slice them and then shove them in a Ziploc bag with some vinaigrette salad dressing, chopped garlic, and a hefty squirt of Dijon mustard.  It doesn’t matter what kind of dressing, but they do sell Greek dressing, for those of you who are really concerned about getting the right flavor profile. I don’t know what the garlic and mustard does that the salad dressing doesn’t do, except make it sound like I thought up something special. I didn’t. It’s just salad dressing and mustard and garlic. Bam!

Next, I make my own tzatziki sauce. This is where you get to impress the whole table. Sure, you can buy a pretty tasty version at Trader Joe’s, except they put too much dill in theirs, and dill is the devil of the herb world. Plus, it’s super easy to make.

You need a good sized cucumber and some Greek style yogurt to make the sauce. I like to buy giant hothouse cucumbers, the ones that come shrink wrapped for your protection. They are all stacked up neatly in their prophylactic wrappers at the store, ready and waiting for you. The one I bought today was about the size of a double headed dildo that I, um, once saw on the internet. Seriously, even I got penis envy from that thing.

I like to hand grate my cucumber. First, I start by holding up the cucumber near the vicinity of my crotch and dancing around a little. My husband made the mistake of walking through the kitchen while I did my seductive cuke dance. I violated him by ramming my cucumber in the middle of his belly, repeatedly, until he left the room. Feel free to dance with your hard cuke as long as you like, or until you lose interest.

After that, I pretend I am a mohel and cut off the end of the cucumber, just the tip, in a covenant with dinner.  Then I take the cucumber firmly in my fist and roll down the plastic wrap and snicker. Finally, I get out the grater, and gripping the cucumber shaft in my hand, I drag the end over and over across it, making a nice pile of shredded cuke. I like to start slowly and then build up speed and then slow down again and then go fast and hard, until you have about a cup or so.  It ain’t rocket science; it’s just a shredded cucumber. No one is going to care if you have a quarter cup too much.

Be sure to squeeze out the extra juice from the shredded cuke before you add it to the Greek yogurt.  Add some minced garlic, a little salt and pepper, and some dried oregano and parsley. Those would be better fresh but I ain’t cooking for the queen. One of my kids won’t even try the shit even though she loves everything in it. Is my family worth the fresh herbs? Not on a school night.  Cover all that mess and stick it back in the refrigerator.  

After all that dancing and shredding and marinating, it’s time for a nap.

When you are ready to eat, have someone else grill the chicken and put out some pita bread along with the sauce. Make one of your kids set the table. Get the other kid to put out the sauce. There bitches, dinner’s ready.

Another easy way to make this meal is to go to any Greek restaurant and pick it up. There is a Greek restaurant on every corner, probably across from the Starbucks.  It’ll probably come with some salad too, or maybe a pickle slice and an olive. Opa!

I am so tired of cooking dinner.