Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Just when you thought reality television couldn’t get any worse, The Learning Channel?? decided to lower the bar. Last Sunday, a new series began, called “Best Funeral Ever,” which features the Golden Gate Funeral Home in Louisiana. Not only can I not believe that a funeral can be the best ever, I am also stumped that A. I watched a show about this place, and B. that the demand for themed funerals is so great in Louisiana that this place even exists.

The Learning Channel??, in case you forgot, is the network that brings you such educational programming as “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and “Abby and Britney,” a reality show featuring conjoined twins just trying to live a normal life. If you have a show about your life, conjoined or not, on that network, you can guarantee that you and normal will not cross paths any time in the near future.

“Best Funeral Ever” showcases the Golden Gate Funeral Home’s fantastic ability to give the deceased a sendoff their loved ones will never forget. Some people might think funerals should be a solemn and respectful affair. And some people think the best way to honor someone is by dipping a rib in a barbecue sauce fountain and offering it up to Jesus. This second group of people is the one who calls upon Golden Gate Funeral Home in their hour of need.  I was half asleep when I watched the show, which I literally could not turn off because I couldn’t find the remote, so I don’t know if the staff at the funeral home come up with the wacky funeral ideas or if the family members have some cray cray in mind and the staff just finds a way to make it happen. I appreciate a good party theme, don’t get me wrong. It’s just I never really thought about funerals as being in need of a theme. They already have a theme, and that theme is death.

One of the memorial services/parties was for a disabled man who passed away. He suffered from spina bifida and was confined to a wheelchair his whole life. When he died, his family members thought the best way to honor him was to take his urn to the local county fair and ride all the rides with it, the very rides he would never have been able to enjoy while alive. Nothing helps a family heal from the loss of a loved one like cradling an ash-filled urn on the bumper cars.

The show also had a segment about a family who mourned a young family member who either loved Christmas or died right before it. I’m not quite sure about that part because I couldn’t devote that level of attention span to it, but the end result was a Christmas tree and a man dressed like Santa Claus, only without the beard, sharing the alter with Jesus and the preacher. The dead guy’s coffin came down the aisle on a big red sleigh. A man with a large gingerbread man head sat in the pew. A couple of people were dressed like elves. Was it the Christmas shop at Macy’s or an interment?

In between segments, the show featured all the tension and fighting between employees striving to top one another as they planned and executed, if you will, each and every funeral service. I don’t know if Golden Gate Funeral Home operates like an episode of “The Apprentice” or if the editing just made it look that competitive, but damn, those people were not nice to each other. They were, however, nice and respectful to the families, because really, isn’t that what it’s all about?

But back to the barbecue fountain. Much like an episode of “Fantasy Island” or “The Love Boat,” only one of the vignettes of the show was truly interesting, while the rest just took up minutes. The best of the best funerals was for the man who sang the Chili’s Baby Back Ribs song. You remember it, right? “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back…Chili’s, baby back ribs…barbecue sauce.” Well, I regret to inform you that the singer of this timeless jingle has passed away. And his funeral was on a television show. His family decided to have a big ole BBQ feast in his honor. Complete with giant fake ribs carried by pretty young things, real smoky ribs for eating, and that sauce fountain for slathering. His casket was shaped like a big smoker, and a few pigs were running around the building in case you couldn’t remember where the ribs came from. People were waving their ribs up toward heaven, singing the baby back ribs song like it was the word of God.

I’ve been to a few funerals and memorial services in my day. I’ve been to one in a Baptist church. I’ve sat shiva. I’ve had a memorial service in my home. Hell, I even have a small bag of my grandmother’s ashes hidden in my china cabinet going on eleven years now.  And in all that time, never have I seen a funeral Christmas party, carnival, or hoe down. I don’t know if those are the best funerals ever, or but they sure aren’t boring.