What To Do, What To Do

I did not masturbate today. I did, however, scoop the kitty litter. Yes, that’s right; masturbation is something I keep on my daily to-do list. It doesn’t always get done, but it’s a good day when you are able to cross something off that list, isn’t it? There is a real sense of accomplishment that comes from a completed task, even if it’s just getting one’s rocks off.

When I was a child, I developed a love of list-making. Maybe it stems from the annual letter to Santa, when I could write down anything my heart desired and if I was good, Santa would bring it to me. About the time I realized that Santa was actually the same bitter mother who also wouldn’t give me what I wanted for my birthday, I realized that I couldn’t rely on anyone, not even a fictitious benevolent fat man who allegedly brings gifts to good little boys and girls. I might have given up on the letter to Santa, but the list making stuck with me.  

One of the few ways I could bring order to my day, and thus my life, was to make a list of things that I needed to do. The feeling I would get when I crossed items off that list was such a high. It was as close to validation as I got when I was a child, so much so that my lists became ridiculously mundane and detailed. They would include such things as wake up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, and brush teeth. I would set my list on my nightstand, and that way when I got up in the morning, I could start crossing things off the moment I first opened my eyes. By the time I was ready to head out the door, I had already accomplished a good five or ten things on my list. And you thought the Army did more before nine o’clock than most people. 

As I grew up, I didn’t give up on my list making. I made lists in college, at work, and at home. There were lists for vacations, the grocery store, holiday shopping, New Year’s resolutions, get rich quick schemes, and possible inventions. When I got engaged, I realized that the best part of planning my wedding was the multiple list making. I had an entire D ring binder devoted to lists, er, I mean ideas for the perfect wedding and reception on a very tight budget. with so many details, how could anyone keep them all straight without a list or two? I should have registered for Post-it notes.

Becoming a mother brought about a whole new opportunity to create lists. I had to plan for my childbirth, which is insane if you think about it, but there I was, making a birthing plan, a list. What control freak thought a pregnant woman could decide how childbirth was going to go? My list should have had two things on it: 1. Give birth to a healthy baby, and 2. Don’t die during 1. But no, my list had things like what I wanted to wear, what music I wanted to listen to, who I wanted in the delivery room, and to remember to say no to an enema. The only thing on my list that happened was I had a baby. That enema enforcing nurse was not as big a fan of lists as I.

Being a parent meant more lists. I needed to remember so many things, from developmental milestones to which foods to introduce when. As my kids grew up, my lists changed. My list of preschools changed to the list of supplies for school projects which gave way to signs of puberty. No matter what life brings, I am bound to write a list to prepare for it. I might not work outside of the home, but trust me, there is more than enough to do around the house and managing my family's activities to provide multiple list-making opportunities. With each item I check off, I get that feeling of completion that is so hard to find in everyday routine life, a sweet taste of success. So what if it only means I scrubbed a toilet. Did you scrub a toilet today? I didn’t think so.

Do I really have a list with scoop kitty litter and masturbate on it? Hell yes, I do. That kitty litter isn’t any more likely to scoop itself than I am to spontaneously orgasm. If it isn’t on the list, it just won’t get done, and if it matters, then it better be on the list. So far today, I’ve been to the gym and the library. I did a load of laundry and unloaded the dishwasher. I argued with the insurance company, successfully, I might add. I researched bat mitzvah planning (yes! More lists!!), took my daughter to the doctor, drew a diagram of the three branches of our federal government, and, you remembered correctly, I scooped the kitty litter. 

I guess that means tomorrow I better clear some room on the calendar, huh? I've got some things I didn't get around to today.