You Say Potato

[In memory of Andy Rooney]

Is it just me, or are women getting the short end of the stick when it comes to names for their private parts? I am not talking about its proper name because neither men nor women lucked out in that department. Vagina might sound like a medical condition or a socially inept high school girl with tape on her glasses, but penis? Penis sounds limp, all shriveled up and embarrassed to be seen in the light of day, kind of like a slug. But the other words for lady parts, well, those are just plain horrible. They make me not even want to have one.

 Men already act like they are the cock of the walk, and that’s because they have a cock. Even the word cock makes one want to stand at attention. When I hear cock, I picture a strong, virile man, like the Brawny paper towel man, only without his plaid flannel shirt, standing tall, hands on hips, thighs spread wide so that all attention can be directed between his legs. He could use his erect member as a paper towel holder, perhaps. Hell, even the word member has a quiet strength. If you don’t have one of those, well, you just don’t belong. Dick is not quite as flattering, since it is best used to describe a real jerk rather than a sexual organ, yet its usage does lend a hint of nasty that isn’t entirely off-putting. 

Compare that to, say, the word pussy. It sounds about as nasty as dick, but minus the strong attitude. First of all, I just got my daughters to stop saying it to the cats. There’s nothing worse than listening to little girls call to their pussies. One time, after the kitty got into the dusty fireplace, my older daughter who was seven at the time said, “Who’s a dirty little pussy?”  Secondly, it is used to describe someone who is a wimp, too afraid to take action. Really? A pussy gets jabbed at, fingered, stuffed, and poked. It takes a licking and gets pounded. It can stand up to some real abuse.  And when all the fun is over, in less than a year’s time, it can open wide and actually squeeze out a human being.  What can a penis do that makes it more worthwhile than that? Thirdly, it just sounds funny and not really sexy at all. I guess if I had to screw a body part with a label, I would prefer to stick my cock in a pussy rather than insert my penis in a vagina, but still, there has to be a better alternative.

Let’s reflect on some of those other synonyms for a moment, shall we? Va-jay-jay was a little more playful until Oprah ruined it. When I think of va-jay-jay, I think of her, and quite frankly, I don’t want to think about Oprah, nor her vagina. So va-jay-jay is out. Slit and gash are just violent, and cunt and twat are too insulting. From there, it really goes downhill. Coochie (which is one of those things you put your beer can in to keep it cold), hoo-ha, poontang, taco, bearded clam, meat curtains, pink wallet, boxed lunch. I wouldn’t want to put my cock near any of those, lest a round of antibiotics is readily available. 

As an aside, I called my mother a cunt once, when I was fourteen. She asked me if I was joking, and I said no, so I got in trouble. To this day, I wonder if anything would have happened if I had lied and said yes. Even my mother, who is a cunt, doesn’t want to be called a cunt.

What I want to know is, why all the bad names for something which men always seem to want? If you love it so much, why all the nasty name calling? What did a vagina ever do to you? Oh yeah, that’s right, it brought you into this world. It gave meaning to your otherwise miserable existence, and shaped pretty much every decision you ever made as an adult. So how about a little respect? If a hole in a bathroom stall used for anonymous sex gets a grand moniker like glory hole,can’t we come up with something a little more pleasant for what’s in my pants?